Christmas Shopping for the Man in Your Life? Check Out Goop. Actually, Don't.

Men are so hard to shop for. I know, I know, men probably think the same thing about women (Mars and Venus and all that). But, seriously, women have so many things they like: jewelry, clothing, shoes, little kitchen doodads — the list goes on. But men don’t care about that stuff. And the things they need (socks without holes in them, more garbage bags, to put the toilet seat down) aren’t actually the things they want. But don’t worry. Goop (the totally out-of-touch, always good for a laugh website founded by Gwyneth Paltrow) has released its holiday gift guide and it has plenty of options for the man in your life. Let’s take a look.

How about the Taga Bike Stroller? Is it a bike? Is it a stroller? Nobody knows. But that’s okay, because nobody wants this. Let’s attach our small child to the front of a projectile that’s only legally allowed on the street where there are cars. Merry Christmas! No mom is going to get this for her husband.

If pretending your infant is a hood ornament’s not your thing, you can always get the man in your life a pair of ugly gray sweatpants. Just in case he didn’t have enough of those. These ugly gray sweatpants are $118 though, which makes them expensive ugly gray sweatpants, so obviously buy them. You can even throw in the ugly gray shirt for an additional $115.

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Don’t think your man will be into ugly gray clothing? You could always just buy him an enormous tent. Nothing says I love you like a $700 tent. It’s eight feet tall, so it may not fit under the tree, or in your car, or in any campsite known to man. But that’s okay, it’s the thought that counts. Even if you had no idea what you were thinking.

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If you’d like to take this festive occasion as an opportunity to subtly tell your man that he smells like a cross between an old sock and a public restroom, goop has plenty of items that should do the trick. You could give him some beard scent — I mean who doesn’t wish their husband’s beard smelled like wood, citrus, and patchouli? And then there’s Man Bar Soap, which uses vetiver, clary sage, cypress, juniper berry, and cedarwood (whatever they are) to make your guy smell like . . . a girl.

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If the items in The Guy Gift Guide don’t seem appealing, you might be tempted to click over to The Lover Gift Guide. But don’t. I’m serious, don’t. This is literally just a list of pornographic items that I wouldn’t wish on even the most raunchy bachelorette party. I guess if you’re trying to humiliate your significant other you could shop for him from this list. But, personally, I’d be just as mortified to be sitting around the Christmas tree when he opens something from this list than he would be to receive it. Do people really gift each other porn?? Never mind, I’ve said too much. Don’t click on that section. Really.

Perhaps The Dreamer Gift Guide will have something for the man in your life. By “dreamer” goop apparently means intellectual types. People who might want an electric toothbrush, say, or a $25 laptop brush. You know, the kinds of things only very smart people can appreciate. But really, we all need look no further than the Gradient Puzzle. Who wouldn’t want to sit around putting together a jigsaw puzzle of a blank piece of paper with a grey smudge on it? Christmas shopping complete!

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The truth is, the man in your life doesn’t want any of these things. Nobody wants any of these things. You’d be much better off just buying him another tie he can return, or picking out a bunch of weird items from those bargain bins at Target, or really just shopping anywhere other than goop. It’s official, goop has done it again — a list of items nobody wants. Hooray. Or something. Now what the heck am I going to get my husband for Christmas?