Why Would Anyone Want to Do This: Paris Opens First Nudist Restaurant

A restaurant in Paris is making everyone’s dreams come true. You know, the dream where you suddenly find yourself naked in public. Yeah, that one. O’Naturel is Paris’ first nudist restaurant. (Because apparently, a nudist restaurant is actually a thing, and not just an anxiety-fueled figment of our imaginations.)

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According to Fox News, diners are invited to “disrobe in a coat-check room (or more accurately, an everything-check room) before being brought to their tables.” The menu is typical fine French cuisine — things like escargot, foie gras, and risotto — and the windows and doors are covered by thick curtains so no one can see in. Oh, and even though all the patrons are naked, the waitstaff apparently keeps their clothes on, for “hygienic reasons.” (That’s why I’d keep my clothes on too!)

I just have so many questions. Starting with why on God’s green earth would anyone want to do this? I mean, how often do they clean the seats? Like, does one diner sit right down where some stranger’s bare butt just was? Or do the servers sort of swoop in as each party is leaving and go, “Excusez-moi monsieur et madame, I just need to wipe down your seat with bleach five hundred times before you sit down. Merci beaucoup for waiting.”

Do people put their napkins in their laps? And, if they do, are they still nudists? Oh God, now I’m wondering: do they wipe their mouths with the napkins that were just on their bare laps?! How do the servers not throw up when they have to clear those napkins away at the end of the meal? Do the servers wear gloves? Do they get paid eighty-five billion euros an hour? Never mind, no amount of money would be enough! Why would anyone work there?!

What happens if you get cold? What happens if you get a phone call and need to step outside for a moment? What happens if you drop your fork on your bare leg and it stabs you? What happens if you get into an argument with your date and want to storm out? What happens if you suddenly look around and realize you’re in a room full of naked people who are all sitting around having dinner as if they weren’t all naked and you wonder whether they’re crazy, or you’re crazy, or you all are? What if the server gets to your table to take your order, looks at you and laughs?

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Apparently, O’Naturel is not the first nudist restaurant. Similar restaurants can also be found in London and Tokyo and all of them are very popular. Has the world gone mad? I don’t even want to be seen in public in my bathing suit let alone totally naked! It’s like some sort of deranged locker room. Except, instead of everyone trying to get dressed as fast as possible so no one sees their private bits, everyone’s that one guy who keeps randomly walking back and forth in front of the benches with his towel around his neck scratching his sweaty beer belly.

Here are some rules I imagine the restaurant owners have for their servers: Don’t laugh. Don’t look at people’s private parts. Don’t touch the napkins. Don’t laugh. Wash your hands a lot. Try not to throw up. If you have to throw up, do it in the designated I’m-in-a-room-with-naked-people-so-I-had-to-throw-up area (it’s clearly labeled). Don’t laugh. Don’t eat any of the leftovers, you don’t know where they’ve been.

There’s only one rule I’d have for anyone thinking of attending this restaurant: don’t. Clothes are meant to be worn in public  That’s why we have clothes. Private parts are called private parts because they’re private. Lots of things in life are complicated. This isn’t. D’accord?