As we approach the first debate of the 27-year-long presidential primary and general election campaign, I find myself in new territory. For the first time in my decades of political activism, I’m ready to make a very early endorsement.
After carefully examining all of the candidates that the GOP might run against whatever nightmare Democrat makes it to the general election next year, I have to say that Generic Republican has caught my eye and, going forward, has my full, heartfelt support.
Full disclosure: I don’t think I’ve ever been this devoted to a presidential candidate.
Generic Republican’s platform is — if I’m being honest — a bit fluid and vague. What is clear, however, is what Generic Republican will not be supporting, and that’s why I’m on board with Team GR.
GR doesn’t support drag queen story hours in public schools. In fact, he/she is opposed to any pervert male waving his nasty genitalia in the faces of school children under any circumstances. That gets my vote!
Another issue that separates Generic Republican from the Democrats is that of the role of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. GR believes that the FBI should get back to its original mission statement and focus on protecting the citizens of the United States rather than persecuting people who disagree with Democrats. He/she also seriously considers doing away with the FBI entirely and starting over with a new domestic security agency. That’s a sweet nothing I will always welcome in my ear.
One part of Generic Republican’s platform that really excites me is the fact that he/she truly believes that children are members of their families, not the property of a state indoctrination collective. Democrats are only one presidential election away from having Merrick Garland show up at your door to insist that he’s not there to take your children while 20 of his FBI goons are taking your children. GR is not opposed to investigating and prosecuting the lawless Garland once in office.
People who have been reading my columns for a while know that I have a lot of problems with the Republican party, which means that there are things about Generic Republican that concern me. I won’t go through the entire list here, but I will share what bothers me most.
Generic Republican will no doubt find new ways to spend taxpayer money. The DC types can’t help themselves when given the power to bleed us dry. The one selling point for GR when it comes to spending is that he/she will probably not spend as much money as any Democrat, alive or dead. It’s not exactly a win, but it’s also not a soap-drop in the prison shower.
The best reason to be all-in on Generic Republican is that he/she is not a Democrat. Democrats hate the United States of America and are working diligently to bring about its end. They’ve had a lot of success doing this, especially since January 20, 2021. They deny this and will still refer to their new country as the United States of America, but it’s not going to resemble anything we knew and loved.
We all complain about the “Uniparty,” but there are still differences. For example, even the worst Republicans don’t hate America. If elected, Generic Republican will not seek the destruction of this great republic.
If, like me, you know that a gulag jumpsuit isn’t a good look, vote Generic Republican in 2024. Hold your nose, medicate, or get sloppy drunk if you have to, but do it.
Those of you who are so disheartened by what’s happened in recent elections that you’re just not going to vote can use the extra time to start learning how to sing campfire songs in Mandarin.
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