These 15 Secular Christmas Songs Deserve the Death Penalty

It is very important that I get this out of the way at the beginning of this column: I despise all secular Christmas music. You will have wasted time and energy that you’ll want at the end of your life if you try to change my mind, even if it’s only about one song. Here is a Twitter exchange I had after I mentioned that I’d be writing this:

It's horrid.

— SFK (@stephenkruiser) December 6, 2022

Yes. I’m the guy who doesn’t even like “Jingle Bells.”

Three years ago, while writing from a coffee place in mid-December and being subjected to secular Christmas music, I wrote a VIP post listing my 10 least favorite in the genre. In it, I said, “If Frosty the Snowman were real, I would punch him in the face.”

That list was done in a hurry. I’ve now had time to mull it over, so it’s grown to 15. I so intensely dislike secular Christmas music that it was difficult to narrow it down to just that.

Further clarification: I’m no Scrooge. I love Christmas as a religious holiday, and I really love religious Christmas music. I could listen to Martina McBride’s version of “O Holy Night” 10 times a day, every day for the rest of December.

One of my big problems with the secular stuff is that it reinforces the non-religious approach to what is a very sacred religious holiday. That, and the melodies to most of the songs are absolute crap. They’re earworms with fungus. It’s as if every failed television commercial jingle writer from the 1950s wrote a hit fake Christmas song.

They were all probably closet communists too.

So here are my 15 least favorite secular Christmas songs, ranked from “OMG That’s Hideous” to “Hate Crime.” The brief commentary is my Christmas gift to you. It should be noted that the Mariah Carey song isn’t on the list because I’ve never actually heard the whole thing. I don’t even know the title of it.

15: Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

He won’t while you’re singing this hot mess.

14: It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

Yeah, in June, because the secular holiday people start celebrating Christmas even before the pumpkin spice plague hits.

13: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

I know, you’re thinking: “What kind of monster doesn’t like this song?!?!?” I’ll tell you what kind. The kind who says, “This dude has flying reindeer and a magic sleigh that holds presents for every kid in the world but he’s wussing out over a little fog?” Also, Rudolph’s mom obviously smoked and drank a lot of Wild Turkey when she was pregnant with him.

12: Frosty the Snowman

Rudolph’s pervy stepcousin.

11: Last Christmas

God regretted letting WHAM! get famous after this song was released.

10: Jingle Bells

Take the bells off your bobtail, you insufferable, preening equine.

9: Jingle Bell Rock

“Let’s take the whole jingle bell idea and make it worse.” I have a headache just thinking about this song.

8: The Christmas Song

NORMAL PEOPLE DON’T EAT CHESTNUTS. Also, I don’t think we’re allowed to say “Eskimos” anymore.

7: Deck the Halls

“Fa-la-la-la-la” sounds like Keith Richards asking someone to go to the men’s room and do cocaine.

6: Let It Snow

Or stop having Stockholm Syndrome about lousy weather and get on a plane to Bali.

5: Do They Know It’s Christmas

I don’t know. Maybe just do a quick fundraiser to buy them some calendars rather than unleashing this monstrosity of a song into the airwaves.

4: Happy Xmas (War Is Over)

Yoko OH-HELL-NO.

3: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Your mother is an alcoholic tramp and you’re gonna need some therapy, kid.

2: Feliz Navidad

I’m still not sure why Feliciano wasn’t jailed for covering The Doors’ “Light My Fire.” The Doors shouldn’t even have been doing Doors songs. If they’d played this on a loop at GITMO, we’d have found bin Laden in a week.

1: Winter Wonderland

This song is so horrid that I had completely blocked it out of my mind when I did the post in 2019.

I like to think that the United States Space Force was created just to one day nuke this heinous collection of musical notes and moronic lyrics from orbit. No jury in America will convict if your defense is that you were driven into a homicidal rage after the 4000th time you heard “Winter Wonderland” in public during the first week of December.

If I were ever to have custom holiday toilet paper, the lyrics of all of the above songs would be printed on it. This list is definitive for now. Watch this space for any updates next December. One never knows what the hell Michael Bublé is up to, after all.

I will leave you with some real Christmas music: