I’ve yet to do a holiday-themed column this Christmas season so I will go ahead with this one even though it probably won’t win me any friends.
I hate secular Christmas music.
If Frosty the Snowman were real I would punch him in the face.
The mere fact that I can write the words “secular Christmas music” and not be taken to task is illustrative of the problem. Christmas is a religious holiday, therefore all Christmas music should be religious.
We all know, however, that Christmas was long ago co-opted by non-religious people who just wanted an excuse to party a little more and get some extra time off.
I will also admit that people who wrote Christmas songs a long time ago probably weren’t aware that they were helping to create a Godless retail monster that would one day begin putting up Christmas trees the day after Halloween.
There was something quaint and likable about the old tradition of the Christmas season “officially” kicking off in America on Thanksgiving Day. Sure, it added a provincial twist to the religious celebration, but it was close enough to the First Sunday in Advent to make a Roman Catholic American patriot cut everyone a little slack.
Those “Christmas in early November” people made me snap though. It took me a very long time to realize just how much though. It mirrors my journey as a beer drinker. It took me years to finally realize that I only like drinking ales. I hated every lager I ever drank, but that didn’t register.
Probably because I was drunk.
There is a lot to run interference during the holiday too, alcohol among them. When you’re a parent and have a younger child, the season becomes all about them. My daughter is a senior in college, so I’ve had some empty nest time to ponder my almost unnatural hatred of secular Christmas music.
I do try to avoid spreading this “Bah, humbug!” attitude around every year. I work at home most of the time, and we self-employed folk don’t have company Christmas parties. If I can stay away from the public, I can usually keep from being triggered by the music I can’t stand.
Due to circumstances we don’t need to go into here, I’ve been forced to be among strangers for a few days, and the secular Christmas noise is everywhere. It didn’t take long to get to me. This tweet happened after I’d been out for just a couple of hours:
Managed to avoid being in public long enough to hear "Let It Snow" until today. Now I'm one "Feliz Navidad" away from a murderous rampage.
— SFK (@stephenkruiser) December 13, 2019
Here now, my friends, is my holiday offering to you: the ten most awful secular Christmas, with a little commentary.
10: Frosty the Snowman
I hate winter. I hate snow. I don’t ever want to meet a man made of it.
9: Deck the Halls
It’s an earworm. I don’t ever want to “fa-ll-la,” whatever that means.
8: Jingle Bells
Dash through this.
7: It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas
Not when you’re playing this at 12:01 AM on November 1st, it isn’t.
6: Silver Bells
Bing Crosby was an awful father.
5: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Hate to tell you this, Sparky, but he probably wasn’t the only man she kissed that night.
4: So This Is Christmas
If John Lennon had just shut up after “Abbey Road” we could have been spared this and Imagine.
3: Do They Know It’s Christmas
Even the kids they were helping wanted them to stop singing this.
2: Feliz Navidad
If you’ve ever met someone who said they liked this song they were lying.
1: Let It Snow
Kill it with fire. Musical proof that Satan exists and works among us. Almost makes me want to move to some Amazon rainforest village where they’ve never heard of snow or Christmas.
I need a palate cleanser. Off to listen to Angels We Have Heard on High because I love religious Christmas music even more than I hate the secular stuff.
PJ Media Associate Editor Stephen Kruiser is the author of “Don’t Let the Hippies Shower” and “Straight Outta Feelings: Political Zen in the Age of Outrage,” both of which address serious subjects in a humorous way. Monday through Friday he edits PJ Media’s “Morning Briefing.”