Kruiser's (Almost) Daily Distraction: Bill Gates as a Ladies' Man Reveals the Worst In Humanity

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Make It Stop

I haven’t mentioned the divorce of Bill and Melinda Gates yet because I don’t like talking about divorce. I’ve been through one and it was absolutely awful. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. So I don’t opine publicly about such things.

I’m bringing it up now because we’re learning that Bill has been quite the lothario over the years.

That news has taken me to some dark places.

I was already cynical enough when it came to women. Don’t get me wrong, ladies, I still adore you. It’s just that a couple of you have really done a number on me over the years. I don’t drink as much as I do just because I’m of Polish and Irish descent, although that helps.

Bill Gates has a lot of gifts and talents. Looking like a ladies’ man isn’t one of them. He resembles a turtle without a shell. Male turtles without their shells aren’t bringing home a lot of fetching lady turtles from the turtle tavern.


One of the most enduring myths about human females that they perpetuate themselves is that a woman wants a man who makes her laugh. I’ve heard and read that approximately 427,987,633,777 times. You’d think that would bode well for a professional comedian who’s fairly easy on the eyes like myself.


Women only say things like that because it makes them sound deeper than if they say, “I’d really love a shell-less turtle-looking guy who is worth a cool $130 billion or so.” But that’s what they want. You’ll never get one to admit that in public but just take a look around. The planet is polluted with attractive, vivacious women who are with personality-free tools who have never made them laugh, or even chuckle a bit.

I feel as if all of female humanity has dumped me for Bill Gates.

Hey Melinda…you have enough money that you can afford to be with a man who makes you laugh now, and I’ve got some material I need to work on.

Also, I wasn’t there when Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself.