Kruiser's (Almost) Daily Distraction: I Am Being Stalked by a Dinner-Fork Goblin

Get Out of My Kitchen, You Demon!

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‘Sup, everyone?

I had a wonderful time hanging out with my family during my brief trip to Michigan but even after a great trip, it’s always nice to be back in the familiar comforts of one’s home. As is always the case when my family and I get together, there was much delicious comfort food and drink to be had. And had it I did. I felt in dire need of some Oompa Loompa pants after the third day.


After I get back from a carb-heavy (oh, the beer!) vacation like that a hard reset with healthy home cooking is in order.

The first night back, as I was making dinner, I went to grab some utensils out of the drawer and noticed something odd: I have only two forks.


It was three last week before I left. There were four not too long ago.

I should explain: I have a healthy supply of silverware here. It’s not as if I only have three or four of each thing. I have enough tablespoons to help a medium-sized army do whatever the hell it is one does with tablespoons. Buckingham Palace doesn’t have as many teaspoons as I have. I don’t drink tea. At last count, I have approximately 17,248 butter knives, which is probably excessive for a guy who doesn’t eat toast or sandwiches.

Believe me, the two lonely forks really stand out.

I really don’t know what is happening to them. This is the continuation of a trend that began before I moved back here from California three years ago. There is some creepy intergalactic alien conspiracy to remove the forks from my house. Or I have a fork goblin. Maybe a ghost.

I’m going to hold off on buying any more forks until there’s just one left. This is Joe Biden’s America so I expect that will happen any day. Also considering getting a nanny cam for the kitchen and a lock for the silverware drawer.

I’ll not have my utensil rights violated like this anymore.


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PJ Media Senior Columnist and Associate Editor Stephen Kruiser is the author ofDon’t Let the Hippies ShowerandStraight Outta Feelings: Political Zen in the Age of Outrage,” both of which address serious subjects in a humorous way. Monday through Friday he edits PJ Media’s “Morning Briefing.” His columns appear twice a week.