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Bringing Up the Rear Guard: China Unveils Anal Swab COVID-19 Test

Xiao Yijiu/Xinhua via AP
Most Awkward Drive-Up COVID Test EVER

The jokes are writing themselves at a furious pace now.

I would like to say that this post is supposed to be tongue-in-cheek but:

a) there’s actual news here and

b) it’s nigh on impossible to avoid stepping in double entendre with this one.

China has decided to tackle the problem of iffy, unreliable coronavirus tests by coming at it from another angle and it’s one that isn’t making the already beleaguered Chinese citizenry very happy.

The Washington Post:

SEOUL — Months-long lockdowns. Entire city populations herded through the streets for mandatory testing. The people of China could be forgiven for thinking they had seen it all during the coronavirus pandemic.

But now they face a new indignity: the addition of anal swabs — yes, you read that right — to the testing regimen for those in quarantine.

Chinese state media outlets introduced the new protocol in recent days, prompting widespread discussion and some outrage. Some Chinese doctors say the science is there. Recovering patients, they say, have continued to test positive through samples from the lower digestive tract days after nasal and throat swabs came back negative.

If there is a way to make virtually anything more painful and humiliating, leave it to the commies to figure it out. If you think about it, this situation here is a rather fitting analog (partial pun most definitely intended) for the entire hoi polloi  experience under communism.

via GIPHY

It would appear that China is running COVID quarantine humiliation gulags:

Even Chinese doctors in support of the new tests said the method’s inconvenience meant it only made sense to use in select groups, such as at quarantine centers.

“If we add anal swab testing, it can raise our rate of identifying infected patients,” Li Tongzeng, an infectious-disease specialist at Beijing You’an Hospital, said on state-run broadcaster CCTV on Sunday. “But of course considering that collecting anal swabs is not as convenient as throat swabs, at the moment only key groups such as those in quarantine receive both.”

That’s right, you can get the simulated frontal lobotomy nasal swab and then turn around and bend over for the full communism immersion experience at Club Wuhan! Drinks included!

The Chinese people are no doubt tired of being the, um, butt of COVID jokes. This news certainly isn’t helping.

My biggest worry now is that our new puppet president’s handlers will find out about this and encourage him to indulge his mandate fetish. Right now this probably just seems like more of my penchant/coping mechanism for making everything absurd. I’ll remind you of that in a month when President Gropes decrees that conservatives are only allowed to travel with proof of a recent negative anal swab test.

Administered by TSA.

Have a lovely rest of your day.
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PJ Media Senior Columnist and Associate Editor Stephen Kruiser is the author ofDon’t Let the Hippies ShowerandStraight Outta Feelings: Political Zen in the Age of Outrage,” both of which address serious subjects in a humorous way. Monday through Friday he edits PJ Media’s “Morning Briefing.” His columns appear twice a week.