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Hillary Clinton Is the Herpes of American Politics

(AP Photo/Paul Sancya)
SHE WON’T LEAVE

Sane America’s recurring waking nightmare is sticking to the public consciousness like a leech that’s covered in Super Glue. Hillary Clinton — the president who never was — has been crawling out of her box of breakfast Franzia more and more lately, stoking the fears of those who still firmly believe that the Democrats are going to nuke der Bidengaffer and replace him with Her Imperial Entitled Madameship.

Since Donald Trump dispatched her via the brilliance of the United States Constitution and the Electoral College, Hillary has a habit of going underground for months at a time, then barfing her presence all over any media outlet she can find for several weeks.

And because American liberals are still in the midst of a tantrum about Hillary not being crowned Empress for Life winning in 2016, they throw her in our faces when she’s too drunk to get off the floor.

Treacher wrote a post on Thursday about a Hulu original series that is going to reimagine history, exploring a universe in which Hillary Rodham never married B.J. Clinton.

I have a cast-iron gut and this one gave me a bout of gastrointestinal ick. For a variety of reasons. OK, mostly because it’s about Hillary Clinton.

Treacher perfectly describes why the premise is patently absurd:

Here’s the biggest difference we’d see in a world where Hillary Rodham never married Bill Clinton: We never would’ve heard of Hillary Rodham. It’s absolutely ridiculous to imagine that she’d ever get where she is now, or anywhere near it, under her own power. She is a uniquely charmless and unpleasant person, one of the worst politicians in living memory. Without Bill’s coat-tails to ride upon so luxuriously, she’d be lucky to get elected as the town dog-catcher. She makes Joe Biden look competent. She makes Nancy Pelosi seem warm and cuddly.

The Democrats really you-know-what the bed when they decided to elevate and canonize Granny Maojackets as a feminist icon. She is a woman whose entire career is defined by a husband who publicly embarrassed her time and again. This paragon of feminism got where she is by trying to destroy the life of a young female intern whom her *snicker* husband took advantage of while he was the most powerful man on Earth.

When this vile stain on humanity does resurface from pulling the wings off of flies in Chappaqua, she is fêted by the low-T mainstream media hacks who live in fear that they might one day be Vince Fostered if they don’t do her bidding:

Trevor Noah is so anti-comedy now that he thought it would be hilarious to have a bitter alcoholic lie to America from her living room. Shortly after this was recorded, Mrs. Bill went outside and kicked puppies for an hour because they wouldn’t call her “Madame President.”

I almost pity Joe Biden if he wins the presidency. Hillary isn’t going to go away. She’s like a chronic STD that you can get without the pleasure of the sex ever happening. If Biden gets elected she’ll probably show up three sheets to the wind at his inauguration and try to elbow him out of the way at the swearing-in. Joe will just look at her and say, “You’re scaring me, MeeMaw!”

Hillary Clinton has grandfathered (grandmothered?) herself into the participation trophy era. She feels that she is owed something just for showing up. She carpetbagged her way into the Senate after having done virtually nothing for the state of New York. She followed that up with a stint as Secretary of State in one of the most disastrous foreign policy administrations in U.S. presidential history.

She felt that meant that she should be given the presidency without having to leave her chardonnay long enough to campaign in Wisconsin. Her husband — who actually WON two presidential elections — told her she might want to campaign there but her sense of entitlement told him to go to hell.

Hillary Clinton is never going to go away. Long after she leaves this mortal coil she will terrorize American children in schoolbooks because most historians are anti-intellectual leftist hacks. She’ll be a ghost with stale wine halitosis that keeps barking about having an election stolen from her.

She will be many other things that will make the nation regret having ever known her.

But she will never be president.

Hillary Gets Drunker, Dems Try to Cancel God

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PJ Media Senior Columnist and Associate Editor Stephen Kruiser is the author ofDon’t Let the Hippies ShowerandStraight Outta Feelings: Political Zen in the Age of Outrage,” both of which address serious subjects in a humorous way. Monday through Friday he edits PJ Media’s “Morning Briefing.” His columns appear twice a week.