The Perfect News Story for 2022

I am not a big country music fan, definitely when it comes to anything after oh, say, 1994. But there is one song that stands out, a timeless classic sung by David Allen Coe: “You Never Even Called Me by My Name.” At the end of the song, Coe mentions that it was written by a friend, Steve Goodman, and was sent to him as an example of the perfect country-western song. Coe wrote back that it was not, since it contained no references to momma, trains, prison, rain, or getting drunk. Goodman then added the final verse:

I was drunk the day my mom got out of prison
And I went to pick her up in the rain
But before I could get to the station in my pickup truck
She got runned over by a damned ol’ train

With that in mind — well, that and the fact that it is getting close to the end of the year and I’m tired — I decided to write the Perfect News Story for 2022. And it goes something like this:

During Twitter Dump #753, Elon Musk revealed that Donald Trump was canceled after a raid on Mar-a-Lago showed that his latest NFT cards featuring Harry and Meghan were confiscated by the FBI, which was too busy undergoing gender-reassignment surgery, forcing random strangers to be vaccinated for COVID, and kicking down a pro-lifer’s door to comment. Sam Bankman-Fried, who was negotiating to add the NFTs to his latest IPO, declined to make a statement since he was in the middle of changing his nationality to Guatemalan in order to return to the U.S. when Title 42 expires. He explained this in a TikTok video while twerking to the latest release by Lizzo, thereby providing the Chinese government with the data it needs to buy Rhode Island.

Related: Insanity Wrap: ABC Journo Tries to Blame ‘Open Border’ on GOP and I Can’t Stop Laughing

Former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi issued the following statement:

I want to state again what an outstanding job Joe Biden has done for our country, and that what is important is that we do not forget the 40,000 American lives that were lost on January 6th. Also, I’ll have another vodka tonic when you come back to the table.

President Joe Biden commented:

Look, Fat, this is the fault of Mechanized Mega MAGA Republicans. And, this is God’s honest truth, I’d like to take Elon Musk out behind Trump Tower and show him my leg hair because it is a lot better than the leg hair in the last administration. In our great economy, you’re only paying $3.60 for a gallon of gas, way lower than the dollar-something you were paying under Monster MAGA. Like back in the day when my dad was raising me to be a coal miner in Orlando, he used to tell me ‘Joey, baby birds never land on their tail feathers.’ Oh, and I really like NFT. That’s the station that shows ‘Law and Order,’ right?

Peter Doocy raised his hand to ask a question, but White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said that the president was done talking about pasta and was tired of Doocy interrupting. She then broke into tears and cleared the room.