It is not exactly a state secret that Twitter has become the porta potty of western intellect and expression. Of course, there are significant distinctions. Your average porta potty is cleaner, smells better, and has a much greater aesthetic appeal. And it is more sanitary.
Normally, Twitter is reserved for baseless accusations, name-calling, smut, threats, and various and sundry cancellations. But every once in a while, the planets and stars align, and for 50 seconds or so, sometimes during a leap-year solstice, Twitter actually does not suck and becomes vaguely interesting. Like sightings of Sasquatch or Nessie, these occurrences are rare but noteworthy when they happen.
Case in point:
A user named Alex tweeted:
“I don’t understand how the following restaurants are still in business:
– Chilis
– Applebees
– Olive Garden
– Red Lobster”
Eighteen thousand people gave it a thumbs-up, but there were some who rose to the defense of chain restaurants.
Journalist Zaid Jilani replied: “These restaurants are a good way for working-class people to feel like they can take their families out to a more upscale dining experience that’s affordable.” Journalist Kim Kelly wrote: “This mentality is so alien to me as a person who grew up rural & working class. When I was a kid, restaurants like Olive Garden and Red Lobster were the expensive places we’d drive by on the way to Walmart or the diner. When my grandma took me to Bertucci’s, I felt like royalty.”
A podcaster had this to say, “Because working-class people deserve treat nights too? these are all places I went to with my family all the time growing up. i didn’t know they were ‘bad’ until I got to new york and noticed the way people talk about chain restaurants here.”
Columnist Leslie Streeter fired back, “Because sometimes people in places without access, financial or otherwise, to ‘fancier’ or local options want to eat. Because there are specials. Because the portions are big. Because there are children’s menus. Because people like the food. What an arrogant take.”
At last check, Alex was standing firm in his menu choices.
I admit I am a wine snob and a beer snob. I’m the guy asking the waiter about the sauvignon blanc and trying to find out if the Malbec is oaked and if the IPA is fruity or not. Yeah, that’s me. And when it is just me and my wife, we’ll bypass the chain restaurants, of which there are many in my state, to find a place that has way too many bare brick walls and plays Miles Davis in order to try the octopus nachos.
But when the kids and grandkids are visiting and we ask where they want to go for dinner, the answer is almost always Olive Garden. And we go.
Why? Because that is family time. That is a time for catching up, reconnecting, looking at pictures drawn with crayons on menus, spilled drinks, and that wonderful blessed and irreplaceable chaos that comes with being with the people we love. And you just can’t do that while listening to fusion jazz, sipping a Napa chardonnay, and enjoying the marinated breast of wombat in a chamomile and garlic sauce with baby carrots and a garnish of Tuscan dandelion leaves.
And when I was growing up, there were times when we had very little money. And once in a blue moon, we would go to a local restaurant named Barnaby’s in Dayton, Ohio. It was a pizza joint that was perfect for people on a budget. I remember that there were boxes at the tables that lit up when it was time to navigate your way through the masses and bring back your pizza. It was crowded and noisy, but it was always a big treat to go to Barnaby’s. Mainly because my parents decided it was just time to do something fun. And don’t get me started on those all-too-rare moments when, lo and behold, we would go to McDonald’s for cheeseburgers. That was about as close as it got to a Second Coming.
Chain restaurants do more than give people who cannot afford a five-star dining experience a nice night out. They also give families a chance to enjoy one another and reconnect. The atmosphere may be better than the family kitchen or dining room, but beyond that, it is the shared experience that matters.
Alex’s sin, if there is one, is not that he doesn’t like Chili’s or Applebee’s. It’s that he wants everyone to know that he doesn’t like them. Instead of virtue signaling, Alex is culture signaling. He wants us to know that he is a member of the elite. He is too advanced, too well-bred, and too sophisticated to tuck into a steak at Texas Roadhouse. He is better than the rabble who doesn’t listen to NPR and does not have a “In This House” sign in their yards. It isn’t that chain restaurants are bad, it’s that Alex is better, and he’s hoping for to be included on the guest list for the great after-party in Aspen.
Back in 2021, Brian Stelter tweeted a picture of a snake slithering by his farmhouse with the caption:
“Is this a type of snake I need to be worried about? Second time I’ve spotted one around the farmhouse this spring”
It was a garter snake and he was soundly barbecued for his faux concern. But let’s be honest. Stelter wasn’t worried about the snake. He wanted everyone to know he had a farmhouse. Apparently, he is quite the gentleman farmer. And like Alex, he wanted us all to know just how cultured he is.
So enjoy your night out at Chilis, Applebee’s, Olive Garden, or Red Lobster. God knows you and yours deserve it, and you don’t need to impress anyone.
On a quasi-related note: while you are enjoying your meal, take a moment to raise a glass to Fred Franzia. Wine aunts, boaters, RVers, and hosts of large gatherings across the nation owe a debt of gratitude to this man. He, of course, pioneered the concept of box wine, and for years, the boxes of vino that bear his name have graced wedding receptions, birthday parties, bar mitzvahs, anniversaries, house parties, and refrigerators everywhere. Also known as the mastermind behind the concoction Two Buck Chuck, Fred passed away Tuesday night at the age of 79. Celebrate accordingly and, of course, responsibly. And safely — and by that, I mean make sure the box is sitting flat on the fridge shelf before pouring.
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