In today’s climate of social justice hysteria, you probably have many questions about the best way “to show the world you’re a good person.” How do you know which pronouns you should use or which you should avoid like the plague? How can you find your identity within your feelings while making amends for being white? Why can you choose your gender but not your race? In other words, “you need to get WOKE.” Thankfully, the editors from the satirical site The Babylon Bee have tackled these questions and more.
The Babylon Bee Guide to Wokeness expertly and hilariously explains all the important leftist victim language and vital racial terms you need to know to effectively virtue-signal with your “profile pictures and stunning and brave hashtags.” In the Guide, you’ll learn “how to choose your pronouns [and] blame everyone else for your problems” while not taking any personal responsibility.“The Babylon Bee Guide to Wokeness will help you laugh at the state of our culture so you don’t cry.”
Here’s a sampling of the Guide’s satirical deep dive into the all-too-real and shallow cesspool of wokeness.
Defining “Whiteness”: Whiteness is best understood as “everything bad and evil in the world that we don’t like.”:
Whiteness is best understood as “everything bad and evil in the world that we don’t like.” Some ancient religions have referred to this as “original sin,” but that phrase is problematic since it implies that people of all colors, genders, and orientations can be guilty of doing bad things. This is a deeply harmful idea. Oppressed people cannot do bad things. Anything “bad” done by an oppressed person is simply the natural result of their being oppressed. That’s why the fault must always lie with the oppressor—and for that reason, the term “whiteness” is a better word to use when describing evil.
Next up: Knowing your place on the “intersectional oppression matrix, so you know just how bad you have it in life”:
No matter what identity you select, the important thing is that you never, ever take responsibility for problems in your own life. In short, go out and criticize the world before you clean your room— because your dirty room is everyone else’s fault.
“Gender is an extremely important aspect of your identity”:
Remember: gender is both entirely made up and imaginary, and it also cannot be contradicted by anyone else. It is eternal, set in stone, never changing, an immutable part of who you are.
Until you change it. Because you can change it at any time. And we encourage you to do exactly that whenever you find a gender identity that helps you climb the intersectional ladder. Maybe you once declared yourself as agender, and now millions of people say they are agender. It’s just not cool anymore. It just doesn’t give you the woke points that it used to. So change it! Declare you are a gender-fluid dragonkin transgender semi-grey ace with an Enneagram wing nine. Now, no one else is like you—well, until everyone copies you and you have to go and change it again.
With gender, always stay one step ahead of everyone else. And remember, it’s like going to a buffet in Vegas: take a little bit of everything and just have fun with it!
“The main takeaway here for race is to BE WOKE, NOT WHITE.”:
OK, so, things might get a little confusing here. Because while you can change your gender at the drop of a hat, race is immutable. You can just identify as the other sex or another gender at any time, but don’t try this with race because you’ll get eaten alive. While biological sex is a myth, biological races are set in stone.
So, how do you get a leg up on everyone else when you can’t change your race? Well, there are a few approaches.
First, you can search deep in your family history for a great-great-great-great-step-uncle who might have had 1/64th Native American blood. Then, you can use that to get admitted to a good college and get some great scholarships.