The (Free) Coffee Act of 2012

Riffing off the justification given for the HHS regulations on insurance provision for birth control, Tom Maguire shows how the same rationale requires a program to provide us all with free coffee:

THE DEPARTMENT OF GOOD IDEAS NEVER SLEEPS (WHICH MAY BE THE PROBLEM…) Since individual liberty and property rights are no longer an issue, here is a Big Idea – many studies document that caffeine enhances mood, cognition, and physical performance. And what employer doesn’t want happy, alert, energetic employees?

So, the Wake Up And Smell The (Free!) Coffee Act of 2012 will require every employee to provide either a free coffee station (Keurig is fine!) for each twenty employees, or hand out vouchers for the local delis and Starbucks. I have no doubt we can gin up studies demonstrating that the enhanced employee energy will make this a self-financing effort, i.e., FREE! – if not a Laffer Curve, call it a Gulper curve. Other than Mormons, there should be no religious objections. And clearly, we are talking about real money – let’s flash back to Gutmacher and the financial obstacles to contraception:

Methods of contraception vary not only in their effectiveness, but also in their costs and the timing of those costs. Condoms are relatively inexpensive on an individual basis, but 50 cents or a dollar per use can add up to substantial amounts of money over a year, much less the 30 years that the typical woman spends trying to avoid pregnancy. Brand-name versions of the pill, patch or ring can cost upwards of $60 per month if paid for entirely out-of-pocket, although generic oral contraceptives can cost considerably less; these methods also require periodic visits to a health care provider, at additional cost.

$60 per month or less for pills? $1 per day for condoms? Have they priced a cup of coffee lately? I never get out for less than a buck fifty, which runs to maybe $30/month right there, and I am not even talking about the crumb cake. Poor women (and men!) who lack mental acuity and physical energy because they haven’t had their daily Joe need this program.

What do we want? A half-caf mocha latte! When do we want it? NOW!