This election season has been something, hasn’t it? There have been more twists and turns in the 2024 campaign than in all the amusement parks in the world. So I had a thought experiment: How would you explain this year to somebody who hadn’t experienced it?
Come with me to a room at St. Mary’s Hospital in Athens, Ga., as coma patient Jeff O’Connor wakes up and his (blessedly conservative) physician, Dr. Jacob Taylor, talks with him.
Dr. Taylor: Good morning, Jeff. We’re glad you’re awake. Your wife Paige is on the way with some of your personal items.
Jeff: What day is it?
Dr. Taylor: It’s Nov. 7, 2024, and you’ve been in a coma for exactly a year.
Jeff: Wow, so I guess I missed out on a lot of things.
Dr. Taylor: That might be an understatement.
Jeff: Did the Georgia Bulldogs win a third national championship?
Dr. Taylor: Unfortunately, no. They lost to Alabama in the SEC Championship, and the playoff committee punished them for it. But Nick Saban retired after the season.
Jeff: That should help us against Alabama.
Dr. Taylor: You’d think so, but that wasn’t the case this season.
Jeff: Oh no. Wait a second, Doc, the election was this week, wasn’t it?
Dr. Taylor: Yes.
Jeff: Who won?
Dr. Taylor: Donald Trump did.
Jeff: Oh good. I guess he defeated Joe Biden pretty handily, right?
Dr. Taylor: (sighs) Not exactly.
Jeff: What do you mean?
Dr. Taylor: (pulls up a chair) There’s a lot to explain.
Jeff: Tell me all about it.
Dr. Taylor: Let’s start with what happened this summer. Things were fairly uneventful, and the polls were pretty even until Trump debated Biden. Biden was incoherent, and it played to Trump’s advantage.
Jeff: Nice.
Dr. Taylor: Then, a couple of weeks after the debate, Trump did a rally in Pennsylvania, and a guy shot him!
Jeff: WHAT?
Dr. Taylor: The Secret Service farted around, and somehow the guy got on the roof of a building. Fortunately, a bullet only grazed Trump’s ear. He got right up and chanted “FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!” It was scary and inspiring at the same time.
Jeff: Wow. So did that swing all the momentum away from Biden?
Dr. Taylor: I’m just getting to that. The weekend after the shooting, Biden dropped out of the race. He made the announcement on Twitter, which, by the way, is now called X. It was weird.
Jeff: I bet the Democrats had to scramble and have a bunch of new primaries.
Dr. Taylor: You'd think so. Instead, they anointed Kamala Harris as the nominee.
Jeff: (turns up his nose) Really?
Dr. Taylor: Yeah, and it seemed like a lot of Democrats supported her grudgingly.
Jeff: Who did she pick as her running mate? Newsom? Stacey Abrams?
Dr. Taylor: Tim Walz, the governor of Minnesota.
Jeff: Wait, isn’t he the tampon guy?
Dr. Taylor: Yes. And he was embarrassing. He told lies about his biography and ran around with jazz hands and Rockette kicks. He made a total fool of himself.
Jeff: Dang. Kamala probably made all sorts of gaffes, didn’t she?
Dr. Taylor: Naturally. She served up word salads like a rhetorical Golden Corral, but the campaign also shielded her with a bunch of friendly, softball interviews. She only did one debate with Trump, and she only sat down for one challenging interview with Bret Baier, where all she wanted to do was bash Trump.
Jeff: Gosh, it sounded like a no-brainer. Trump should’ve dominated in the polls.
Dr. Taylor: Again, you would think so, but polling stayed tight all the way up to Election Day.
Jeff: Dang. Who will be Trump’s VP? Tim Scott? Nikki Haley? Ron DeSantis?
Dr. Taylor: JD Vance.
Jeff: The “Hillbilly Elegy” guy?
Dr. Taylor: The very one. And he’s been terrific on the campaign trail. He’s a compelling speaker, and he’s wonderful in interviews. My wife keeps threatening to leave me for him. (laughs)
Jeff: (laughs) Back to the assassination attempt. Did the Secret Service give him better protection? Did anybody get in trouble for it?
Dr. Taylor: The Secret Service director resigned, and a lot of questions remained unanswered. And later on, cops arrested another guy who was trying to assassinate Trump at his golf course in Florida.
Jeff: No way! This gets crazier and crazier. Did Bobby Kennedy drop out and fall in line behind her?
Dr. Taylor: Kennedy dropped out, but he endorsed Trump. Tulsi Gabbard, too. She’s a Republican now. And Elon Musk supports Trump.
Jeff: That’s wild! I guess the other Democrats helped Kamala.
Dr. Taylor: She had the Obamas and the Clintons on the campaign trail. And TDS Republicans lined up behind her too. Liz Cheney went out on the campaign trail with Kamala.
Jeff: Ugh. I can think of a million people I’d rather associate with than Liz Cheney.
Dr. Taylor: Trump had some great campaign ideas, too, like eliminating taxes on tips.
Jeff: Oh, that’s great. My daughter Audrey is waiting tables at Applebee's to help pay her way through college.
Dr. Taylor: Well, I should probably let your wife tell you this, but Audrey dropped out of school and is now, umm, dancing at Toppers, that gentlemen's club downtown.
Jeff: Whoa. I wonder if Trump’s no-tax-on-tips plan covers tips for, umm, that kind of entertainment. I’ll have to talk to her about that.
Dr. Taylor: Trump and Vance did long interviews with Joe Rogan.
Jeff: Did Kamala and Walz do them too? Equal time and all.
Dr. Taylor: No, instead, Kamala did a sex podcast.
Jeff: Gross.
Dr. Taylor: She also lied about working at McDonalds. So Trump spent an afternoon working the fry machines and the drive-thru at a McDonalds.
Jeff: I bet that was entertaining.
Dr. Taylor: Speaking of entertaining, a comedian made a joke at a Trump rally about Puerto Rico having a litter problem, so Joe Biden came out and said that Trump’s supporters were garbage. Next thing you know, Trump is riding around in a garbage truck!
Jeff: Oh man, nobody can campaign like him. So how did the election turn out? Was it close?
Dr. Taylor: Not like the polls were leading us to believe. Trump swept all the swing states.
Jeff: Georgia too?
Dr. Taylor: Georgia too. And Republicans took the Senate and look to keep the House. Trump even won the popular vote!
Jeff: Man, I really did miss a lot.
Dr. Taylor: Leftists are apoplectic. They’re going crazy and acting out in rage and sadness on social media. The mainstream press is in its cups, too. So much anger and sadness.
Jeff: That’s okay. I get most of my news from PJ Media.
Dr. Taylor: Me too. They’re running a post-election VIP special, where new VIP members can get 74% off with the code POTUS47. That deal expires this week.
Jeff: Sounds like I woke up just in time. I need to make sure Paige brings my laptop so I can sign up.
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