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An ObamaSpeak Translator: The Presidential Address on Afghanistan

Good evening. Nearly 10 years ago, America suffered the worst attack on our shores since Pearl Harbor. Translation: Hey senior citizens! I remember Pearl Harbor.


This mass murder was planned by Osama bin Laden and his al-Qaeda network in Afghanistan, and signaled a new threat to our security — one in which the targets were no longer soldiers on a battlefield, but innocent men, women and children going about their daily lives. Translation: I threw that b**** in the ocean.

In the days that followed, our nation was united as we struck at al-Qaeda and routed the Taliban in Afghanistan. Then, our focus shifted. A second war was launched in Iraq, and we spent enormous blood and treasure to support a new government there. Translation: Bush Bad! Boooooosh!

By the time I took office, the war in Afghanistan had entered its seventh year. Translation: This is not my war. I inherited it along with this lousy economy, Guantanamo Bay, rendition, the war on terror, global warming, the Mets roster, etc.

But al-Qaeda’s leaders had escaped into Pakistan and were plotting new attacks, while the Taliban had regrouped and gone on the offensive. Translation: This is what John Kerry says happened. John. Kerry.

Without a new strategy and decisive action, our military commanders warned that we could face a resurgent al-Qaeda, and a Taliban taking over large parts of Afghanistan. For this reason, in one of the most difficult decisions that I’ve made as president, I ordered an additional 30,000 American troops into Afghanistan. When I announced this surge at West Point, we set clear objectives: to refocus on al-Qaeda; reverse the Taliban’s momentum; and train Afghan Security Forces to defend their own country. I also made it clear that our commitment would not be open-ended, and that we would begin to drawdown our forces this July. Translation: I’m not so comfortable with the word “victory.” I wish it was like those Little Leagues where they turn off the scoreboard.

Tonight, I can tell you that we are fulfilling that commitment. Translation: Obama 2012: Anti-war Again.

Thanks to our men and women in uniform, our civilian personnel, and our many coalition partners, we are meeting our goals. Translation: Let’s not define “goals.”

As a result, starting next month, we will be able to remove 10,000 of our troops from Afghanistan by the end of this year, and we will bring home a total of 33,000 troops by next summer, fully recovering the surge I announced at West Point. After this initial reduction, our troops will continue coming home at a steady pace as Afghan Security forces move into the lead. Our mission will change from combat to support. By 2014, this process of transition will be complete, and the Afghan people will be responsible for their own security. Translation: Barring unforeseen circumstances, like the continued passage of time.


We are starting this drawdown from a position of strength. Al-Qaeda is under more pressure than at any time since 9/11. Translation: I threw that b**** in the ocean.

Together with the Pakistanis, we have taken out more than half of al-Qaeda’s leadership. Translation: Don’t say “drone.” Base doesn’t like “drone.”

And thanks to our intelligence professionals and Special Forces, we killed Osama bin Laden, the only leader that al Qaeda had ever known. Translation: And thanks to (inaudible), we killed bin Laden.

This was a victory for all who have served since 9/11. One soldier summed it up well. “The message,” he said, “is we don’t forget. You will be held accountable, no matter how long it takes.” Translation: Possibly in a civilian court. There will be motions.

The information that we recovered from bin Laden’s compound shows al-Qaeda under enormous strain. Translation: The discovered pornography had caused al-Qaeda to suffer ridiculous bulges.

Bin Laden expressed concern that al-Qaeda has been unable to effectively replace senior terrorists that have been killed, and that al-Qaeda has failed in its effort to portray America as a nation at war with Islam — thereby draining more widespread support. Translation: Does anyone in the Middle East remember my speech in Cairo? You guys should download that.

Al-Qaeda remains dangerous, and we must be vigilant against attacks. Translation: Homeland Security has had some “setbacks.”

But we have put al-Qaeda on a path to defeat, and we will not relent until the job is done. Translation: Oops. Shouldn’t say “job.”

In Afghanistan, we’ve inflicted serious losses on the Taliban and taken a number of its strongholds. Along with our surge, our allies also increased their commitments, which helped stabilize more of the country. Translation: Don’t listen to Bob Gates, my former Defense Secretary.

Afghan Security Forces have grown by over 100,000 troops, and in some provinces and municipalities we have already begun to transition responsibility for security to the Afghan people. Translation: We paid them.

In the face of violence and intimidation, Afghans are fighting and dying for their country, establishing local police forces, opening markets and schools, creating new opportunities for women and girls, and trying to turn the page on decades of war. Translation: Obama 2012: Feminist Again.


Of course, huge challenges remain. This is the beginning — but not the end — of our effort to wind down this war. Translation: It is what it is.

We will have to do the hard work of keeping the gains that we have made, while we drawdown our forces and transition responsibility for security to the Afghan government. Translation: State Department gobbledy-gook.

And next May, in Chicago, we will host a summit with our NATO allies and partners to shape the next phase of this transition. Translation: Greetings to Mayor Rahm Emanuel.

We do know that peace cannot come to a land that has known so much war without a political settlement. So as we strengthen the Afghan government and Security Forces, America will join initiatives that reconcile the Afghan people, including the Taliban. Translation: I’m not comfortable with the word “victory.”

Our position on these talks is clear: they must be led by the Afghan government, and those who want to be a part of a peaceful Afghanistan must break from al-Qaeda, abandon violence, and abide by the Afghan Constitution. Translation: Just like the Israeli-Palestinian “peace process.”

But, in part because of our military effort, we have reason to believe that progress can be made. Translation: These reasons have been redacted for security… reasons.

The goal that we seek is achievable, and can be expressed simply: no safe-haven from which al-Qaeda or its affiliates can launch attacks against our homeland, or our allies. Translation: Goals are achievable if they can be expressed simply.

We will not try to make Afghanistan a perfect place. Translation: I cannot be held to any objective standard.

We will not police its streets or patrol its mountains indefinitely. That is the responsibility of the Afghan government, which must step up its ability to protect its people; and move from an economy shaped by war to one that can sustain a lasting peace. What we can do, and will do, is build a partnership with the Afghan people that endures — one that ensures that we will be able to continue targeting terrorists and supporting a sovereign Afghan government. Translation: State Department blather.

Of course, our efforts must also address terrorist safe-havens in Pakistan. No country is more endangered by the presence of violent extremists, which is why we will continue to press Pakistan to expand its participation in securing a more peaceful future for this war-torn region. We will work with the Pakistani government to root out the cancer of violent extremism, and we will insist that it keep its commitments. Translation: We’ve lost Pakistan. I’ve begun chats with India.

For there should be no doubt that so long as I am President, the United States will never tolerate a safe-haven for those who aim to kill us: they cannot elude us, nor escape the justice they deserve. Translation: Iran doesn’t count.


My fellow Americans, this has been a difficult decade for our country. We have learned anew the profound cost of war — a cost that has been paid by the nearly 4,500 Americans who have given their lives in Iraq, and the over 1,500 who have done so in Afghanistan — men and women who will not live to enjoy the freedom that they defended. Translation: Obama 2012: Anti-war Again.

Thousands more have been wounded. Some have lost limbs on the field of battle, and others still battle the demons that have followed them home.

Yet tonight, we take comfort in knowing that the tide of war is receding. Translation: We’re retreating.

Fewer of our sons and daughters are serving in harm’s way. We have ended our combat mission in Iraq, with 100,000 American troops already out of that country. Translation: I’m not comfortable with the word “victory.”

And even as there will be dark days ahead in Afghanistan, the light of a secure peace can be seen in the distance. These long wars will come to a responsible end. Translation: The President will not be answering questions at this time.

As they do, we must learn their lessons. Translation: ?

Already this decade of war has caused many to question the nature of America’s engagement around the world. Some would have America retreat from our responsibility as an anchor of global security, and embrace an isolation that ignores the very real threats that we face. Others would have America over-extend ourselves, confronting every evil that can be found abroad. We must chart a more centered course. Translation: I have no definable policy. Don’t ask me about Libya vs. Syria.

Like generations before, we must embrace America’s singular role in the course of human events. Translation: It is what it is.

But we must be as pragmatic as we are passionate; as strategic as we are resolute. Translation: I have no definable policy.

When threatened, we must respond with force — but when that force can be targeted, we need not deploy large armies overseas. Translation: Lawyers.

When innocents are being slaughtered and global security endangered, we don’t have to choose between standing idly by or acting on our own. Instead, we must rally international action, which we are doing in Libya, where we do not have a single soldier on the ground, but are supporting allies in protecting the Libyan people and giving them the chance to determine their destiny. Translation: Kinetic. Military. Action.


In all that we do, we must remember that what sets America apart is not solely our power — it is the principles upon which our union was founded. We are a nation that brings our enemies to justice while adhering to the rule of law, and respecting the rights of all our citizens. Translation: To my base: I wanted civilian trials.

We protect our own freedom and prosperity by extending it to others. Translation: Uh oh, here we are talking about prosperity.  Danger! Danger!

We stand not for empire, but for self-determination. Translation: That’s what the people from the Non-Aligned Movement told me to say.

That is why we have a stake in the democratic aspirations that are now washing across the Arab World. We will support those revolutions with fidelity to our ideals, with the power of our example, and with an unwavering belief that all human beings deserve to live with freedom and dignity. Translation: As long as it doesn’t require troops.

Above all, we are a nation whose strength abroad has been anchored in opportunity for our citizens at home. Translation: Here we go, pivoting to the economy. Ugh.

Over the last decade, we have spent a trillion dollars on war, at a time of rising debt and hard economic times. Translation: I inherited this economy.

Now, we must invest in America’s greatest resource — our people. Translation: Spend, spend, spend!

We must unleash innovation that creates new jobs and industry, while living within our means. Translation: I choose not to define “our means.”

We must rebuild our infrastructure and find new and clean sources of energy. Translation: Chevy. Volt.

And most of all, after a decade of passionate debate, we must recapture the common purpose that we shared at the beginning of this time of war. Translation: Let’s all unite behind me!

For our nation draws strength from our differences, and when our union is strong no hill is too steep and no horizon is beyond our reach. Translation: My election prospects right now don’t look too good.

America, it is time to focus on nation building here at home. Translation: Great New Society Deal Spend Spend Public Option.

In this effort, we draw inspiration from our fellow Americans who have sacrificed so much on our behalf. To our troops, our veterans and their families, I speak for all Americans when I say that we will keep our sacred trust with you, and provide you with the care, and benefits, and opportunity that you deserve. Translation: Except being able to vote while active duty.


I met some of those patriotic Americans at Fort Campbell. Translation: OK, I was supposed to give this speech at Fort Drum, but I like it better here at the White House.

A while back, I spoke to the 101st Airborne that has fought to turn the tide in Afghanistan, and to the team that took out Osama bin Laden. Translation: I like the troops! I really, really do!

Standing in front of a model of bin Laden’s compound, the Navy SEAL who led that effort paid tribute to those who had been lost — brothers and sisters in arms whose names are now written on bases where our troops stand guard overseas, and on headstones in quiet corners of our country where their memory will never be forgotten. Translation: Plouffe, you magnificent bastard.

This officer — like so many others I have met with on bases, in Baghdad and Bagram, at Walter Reed and Bethesda Naval Hospital — spoke with humility about how his unit worked together as one — depending on each other, and trusting one another, as a family might do in a time of peril. That’s a lesson worth remembering — that we are all a part of one American family. Translation: Socialism.

Though we have known disagreement and division, we are bound together by the creed that is written into our founding documents, and a conviction that the United States of America is a country that can achieve whatever it sets out to accomplish. Translation: I threw that b**** in the ocean.

Now, let us finish the work at hand. Let us responsibly end these wars, and reclaim the American Dream that is at the center of our story. With confidence in our cause; with faith in our fellow citizens; and with hope in our hearts, let us go about the work of extending the promise of America — for this generation, and the next. Translation: Social Security will go insolvent for our kids’ kids.

May God bless our troops. And may God bless the United States of America. Translation: My staff insisted I say this.

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