PJ Media

Why I Can't Vote for Any of These Guys (or Girl)

By Stephen Green

Not even Mike Gravel is crazy enough to vote for Mike Gravel. Let’s pretend that he were to win the Democratic nomination–it’s not that big a stretch, having been won in real life by the likes of John Kerry, Michael Dukakis, and Jimmy Carter (twice!). The morning of the election, Gravel would close the voting booth curtain behind him, and then catch himself shouting, “Who’s got the Prell?” At which point, he’d pull the lever for Mitt Romney and breathe a sigh of relief that he’s not the only person running.

Bill Richardson won himself a reputation as the genial, tax-cutting governor of a western state–and thus maybe the true heir of Ronald Reagan. Then he got on the national stage carrying a giant “Surrender Now!” banner. If I hear him say “no residual presence” one more time about Iraq, then…then…I must be listening to Bill Richardson talk about anything, even issues not quite tangentially related to Iraq, including switchgrass conversion, Hispanic birthrates, and standardized testing for Balinese rickshaw consumption. We get it, Bill, you want out. Next issue, please–and the next potential nominee, too.

Hillary Clinton has a likeability problem. Everybody says that, but I can prove it. For example, I really don’t like her. Also neither does anybody else. Democratic voters who lo-o-o-ove Hillary still don’t like her. She’s the most polarizing candidate since, well, George W. Bush, and not even Republicans like him anymore. Bush himself is the most polarizing president since that other Clinton. Really, don’t we deserve a break? I know I do, so I won’t be voting for Hillary.

Barrack Obama makes empty suits looked stuffed, and stuffed shirts seem positively exploded, like Mr. Big at the end of “Live and Let Die.” Barrack’s big brave stand is that he’s all in favor of hope and people and stuff and things. Except, of course, that Obama claims he’s tough enough to invade Pakistan already, to root out al Qaeda. Look, buddy, I’m sure we’ve already done such things, but quietly. You don’t go saying things like that out loud–or else you risk turning precarious allies like Pervez Musharraf into the stars of major international funerals. Obama is at once too timid and too bold to be President.

You and I are from Earth. Dennis Kucinich is from somewhere entirely else. I mean, even his attempts at merely appearing human aren’t working out too well–how do you think his Administration would go over? Maybe Dennis is, like the book title, actually from Venus. Near as I can tell, his defense policy consists of some stuff he read on the back of a Volvo. Or maybe Kucinich is from slightly closer to home, like Syria, where he was recently seen on television giving figurative aid and comfort to our enemies. Wherever he’s from, I’m not sending him to the White House. “Straight to the moon, Alice!” would be more like it.

Joe Biden reminds me of Gary Hart, only without the bikini girl in his lap. Here’s a guy who has taken the time to give some real thought to some really serious issues, and come up with solutions that, if not novel, are at least strikingly brave for a Presidential candidate. That alone disqualifies him for higher office in this country. Also, the Hart comparison makes me think of Biden as Bill Clinton without the bikini girl in his lap, or maybe as Bill Clinton without the oral sex jokes, or maybe as Bill Clinton without the endless parade of used-up women. And if we need one thing out of our Presidents today, it’s gravitas. OK–gravitas and entertainment value. Biden is only half a candidate at best.

The apparent fact that Chris Dodd wakes up in the morning, stands in front of the mirror, examines his face with a razor in his hand and thinks, “Mr. President” is reason enough not to vote for him. Oh, he could’ve been a contender–had his name been Walter Mondale and if 2008 were actually 1984. Even so, we know what happened to Mondale. Unfortunately for Dodd, the New Deal coalition is dead, and so is his campaign. Which means that, on the Zombie War Preparedness Scale, Dodd rates a zero. And I can’t vote for a guy who can’t recognize the walking dead, much less whack its head off with a machete.

Here’s how the American Bar Association views corporations. Each one has a giant Scrooge McDuck-style vault, filled with giant bags full of hundred dollar bills and gold coins. The corporation’s job is to heave the bags over the head of jurors, and directly into the wallets of ABA members. If elected, John Edwards will turn this vision into law.

It’s not as if I’m a registered Democrat, so I’m not exactly likely to vote for any of these guys, anyway. Technically, I’m a Republican — I changed my registration from Libertarian to Republican, in order to vote against John McCain in 2000.

Does that mean voting Republican is the solution for me? Hardly–I’ll take their candidates on next time.