“If there’s nobody else to do it, then of course I would believe that we should do this,” Sarah Palin told Entertainment Tonight last month, revealing her presidential thoughts.
Hey Sarah — speaking for a large number of Republicans, allow me to respond to your statement: Since there are many others left to do it, then of course we believe that you should not do this.
Instead, let me suggest a career move that better utilizes your talents and abundant charisma.
Why don’t you run for Oprah’s couch instead of Obama’s chair in 2012?
Since Oprah’s last show is September 9, 2011, that leaves a famous empty couch with a power vacuum that only you can fill. Your new show should naturally be called Sarah!
Let’s look at the pros of taking over for Oprah and the cons of becoming the next president.
PRO: Perfect hair, clothes, and makeup every day, with flattering lighting.
- CON: Have you noticed how presidents age? Have you looked at Hillary lately (and she’s not even president)? Let’s face it, the presidency will be bad for your looks, and your looks are among your greatest assets. Stay younger longer off the campaign trail and out of the White House!
PRO: The only major war you will ever declare is a ratings war with Ellen.
- CON: Messy foreign wars are bad for approval ratings.
PRO: Sarah! show ratings so high you will never see The View from your house.
- CON: Endless debates with dismal ratings and a dreaded appearance on The View.
PRO: Your colorful family will be frequent guests and eventually land their own spinoffs.
- Todd’s show can be called How Real Men Tame Powerful Women While Racing a Snow Machine.
- Bristol’s will be (working title) Dancing on Melting Glaciers.
BIG PRO: You can all make oodles of money to influence future elections.
- CON: A measly presidential salary of $400,000 and no chance of syndication.
PRO: You will always be in control and able to invite whomever you want on Sarah!
- CON: Running for president means events will spin out of control.
PRO: You can invite Katie Couric on your show and ask her embarrassing questions.
- CON: On the campaign trail journalists will be asking you embarrassing questions every day.
PRO You love to talk which makes Sarah! your perfect platform.
- CON: On the campaign trail you must develop a real platform and watch your every word.
PRO: You can discuss Christianity openly and not be “new-agey” like Oprah.
- CON: On the campaign trail you must appeal to all Americans, even those who are going to hell.
PRO: You can continue Oprah’s book club and make unknown authors famous.
- CON: You will be forced to read big boring briefing books by unknown policy wonks.
PRO Every day you can positively influence our nation and the world.
(Oprah’s show is currently in 145 countries.)
- CON: If you run for president and lose, your influence diminishes. If you run and win, only slightly half the country will like you. The other half that didn’t vote for you will continue to dislike you, but the half that voted for you will eventually disapprove of you anyway because being president means you ultimately have to tick off most of your supporters to get stuff done.
PRO: You will make news on Entertainment Tonight not Meet the Press.
- CON: Sunday talk shows are so boring with bad lighting and way too many gaffe opportunities.
PRO: Your only economic stimulus will be boosting ad revenue on Sarah!
- CON: Dealing with trillions of debt and a slumping dollar reminds you of that boring econ class.
PRO: On Sarah! you will have a friendly studio audience every day.
- CON: As president, Congress will be your permanent studio audience with knives and fangs.
PRO: Invite Tina Fey on Sarah! so you can imitate her imitating you during ratings week.
- CON: She might imitate you imitating her imitating you.
PRO: You both end up jumping on the couch and it’s the lead story on Entertainment Tonight during ratings week. Everyone wins!
Sarah, it’s obvious why Sarah! replacing Oprah is a no-brainer. Just imagine: by 2012 your ratings will be so high that President Obama will call and ask if he can be your guest the last week of the 2012 presidential campaign.
Then the biggest presidential decision you will ever have to make is whether to take his call.
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