I am generally better suited to playing the role of Grinch than St. Nick, but as the new Era of Hope and Change dawns, I find myself compelled to load up a red satin bag with gifts, gags, and lumps of coal for some of our favorite politicos. I’m moved to paraphrase the brilliant work of Terry Pratchett and note that America has become a nation where elected officials are not so much revered as blamed. Given the recent track record of many who are currently perpetrating governance, I would not normally be inclined to spit on most of them if their hats were going up in flames, but this is the season of charity so we shall soldier on in the spirit of the day.
My first gift would have to be placed under the tree of Senator Hillary Clinton. (Sweet Baby Jesus, after eight long years here in New York I still find myself unable to type those three words sequentially without my morning coffee threatening to come back up the wrong way.) Were it not for her, the Democratic primary race might have been a boring affair, leaving many of us in the chattering class with little to occupy our time. And since she is already doing the Empire State a great favor by moving to new digs at Foggy Bottom, it is only fitting that we respond in kind. For you, Madam, a set of irregular, used luggage and a 10% off discount card from U-Haul. Don’t feel obliged to write.
Next up, I have some stocking stuffers for John Murtha, Ted Stevens, and Daniel Inouye. Each of you should receive a coupon for 52 free meals at Arthur Bryant’s Barbeque in Kansas City. Perhaps with that much high quality pulled pork in your systems, you can stop leading the charge to drive fiscal responsibility in Congress toward a slow, painful death. (Should Ted be unable to redeem his coupons due to incarceration, they may be exchanged for ten cartons of Marlboros, in the hope of postponing permanent “bitch status.”) Chow down, boys.
No Secret Santa list would be complete without a $100.00 gift card from the Casual Male Big and Tall Shop for Larry Craig. Trust me, Senator, we all know how hard it can be to find properly fitted clothing for those with a wide stance.
Rahm Emanuel will open his Christmas card from yours truly and find a one year subscription to the New York Times. Assuming you somehow escape the tender yet toxic embrace of Rod Blagojevich and slither away from trouble, you shall doubtless find yourself with a rapidly growing list of people to whom you will wish to mail dead fish. Given the Gray Lady’s recent woes, their future as ideal fish wrapping seems assured, so the gift should see frequent use.
In order to prove that I’m not entirely heartless, allow me to gift wrap one full set of Point Blank Body Armor for GOP Senator Richard Shelby. Sir, you led a brave but futile battle to stop your colleagues from flushing trillions of dollars in tax money into a series of ill advised bailouts. When you are eventually proven correct, your embarrassed co-workers will be unable to countenance any smug “I told you so” looks and shall likely come gunning for you. Here’s wishing you a particularly safe New Year.
For our president-elect, I would like to tie a colorful bow on a set of asbestos coated, flame retardant long johns from Midwest Workwear. None of your detractors from the election are warming to your charms and some of your appointments and early decisions (happy holidays to Rick Warren, by the way!) have already begun to anger them what brung you to the dance. Looking at the partisan bloodbath which continues to rage, rising unemployment, a nose-diving economy and international unrest, I imagine you’re already wondering why you wanted this job in the first place. My gift won’t make you any more popular, but it should at least provide some measure of comfort when you face the firestorms sure to come your way from all quarters. I shall hoist a mug of Irish Cream in your honor on Christmas Eve and say a prayer for our country’s fortunes in the year ahead.
And since no column by this writer would be complete without something to enrage the populace, for Alaska Governor Sarah Palin I am forwarding a lifetime subscription to Guns and Ammo, along with a discount card for Able Ammunition. If you think that some of us won’t be coming back gunning for you in 2012, madam, you are sadly mistaken. But in the spirit of the holidays, I wish to ensure that it’s a fair fight.
Last but far from least, for all the readers of Pajamas Media, I send my wishes for a Merry Christmas and a happy, safe, and prosperous New Year for you and your loved ones.
Upon request, I shall also forward an autographed photo suitable for mounting on dart boards. I look forward to seeing you all back here next year.