That's No Moon: That's Obamacare!

It’s looking pretty bad for Democrats in the midterm elections. President Obama’s approval rating finally reflects his actual ability, the economy has been a huge mess for so long that people are starting to wonder if it’s not Bush’s fault anymore, and in foreign affairs Obama is no more threatening than a toddler holding a red crayon and threatening to draw lines. No longer do Democrats even dream of recapturing the House — all they hope for now is to not lose many more seats, and they expect to fight tooth-and-nail to keep the Senate. It seems all but certain that Obama will spend his last two years remembering fondly the time when he was only a lame duck.

And this would all be true except that Democrats have one weapon up their sleeves that can help them win it all in the midterms: Obamacare.

You may point out that Obamacare is hugely unpopular, to which I say, “Exactly!” And you may also note how it’s so flawed that it’s constantly being delayed, which is precisely my point.

You see, Obamacare is unlike anything this country has ever experienced before; I think we’re all still struggling to comprehend it. It is a massive piece of legislation passed by the Democrats alone during the blessed progressive utopia when the Democrats controlled the presidency, House, and Senate for all of two years. And this wholly-owned-by-Democrats legislation was an arrogant, massive overreach of government power — with a seventh of the economy being taken over by people so incompetent with money that they probably couldn’t run a lemonade stand without posting millions in losses.

Republicans expected it to be a big disaster, but even its harshest critics were unprepared for how breathtakingly horrible Obamacare would be. I mean, we conservatives always joke with each other about how completely awful politicians are, but in our heart of hearts we still assumed that their own humanity would motivate them to show at least a modicum of competence. Oh, how wrong we were. The HealthCare.gov website seemed to have been designed by people who hadn’t touched the internet since the time they’d gotten confused by their CompuServe accounts. And then there are these constant delays in implementation of the law, as if the people who designed Obamacare hadn’t even imagined all the extremely obvious consequences of their mandates. And they’re being so weaselly reporting the number of people who have actually paid for a plan as if they can trick math into not making the whole thing collapse.

And you’re probably nodding along, saying, “Yes. Obamacare is awful. It’s going to hurt the Democrats hugely in the midterms.”

You’re still not getting it.

Let’s say there is some intergalactic empire, and it makes a massive space station. The idea of the space station is that it will fire a beam at any planet, and that beam will rejuvenate and heal the planet’s environment. But the empire completely messes it up, and the first time they fire the beam at a planet, it blows it up. So do the people responsible for this just say, “This is a disaster! People hate planets being blown up! No one will want to listen to the Empire anymore!”? No, they rename the space station the Death Star and rule through fear.

Are you getting it yet? Obama intended Obamacare to be an angel, but he made a demon — a demon he’s demonstrated through the exemptions he’s handed out and delays he’s authorized that he and he alone controls. Think of all the destruction Obamacare has already caused — premiums skyrocketing, people losing their doctors, people being kicked off of insurance plans — and Obamacare hasn’t even been truly implemented yet; all of that is destruction caused by the very idea of Obamacare. Think of what will happen when it’s in full force — the size of the premiums, the people being dropped, the limited options. People are rightfully terrified of this, and the one who can hand out either destruction or mercy is President Obama and him alone.

He can be subtle about it. Before Election Day, he can just say, “Well, I hope the Democrats do well, because if they lose, everyone will be sad. Then I’ll have to do something to cheer everyone up… like maybe stop delaying Obamacare.” The message will be clear: Elect Democrats, or witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational health care legislation!

And there will be nothing Republicans can do to stop it, with the delay power somehow entirely within the president’s hands. There was one chance to send torpedoes down its exhaust port, but those got deflected by “It’s legal as a tax!” Yes, Republicans can claim that they’ll stop Obamacare if a Republican president is elected in 2016, but the American people will be wondering if they and their health insurance will be able to last that long against the terror Obama and the Democrats have constructed. And they won’t think Obama is bluffing, either; they know he’s always been upset with all of us for not embracing Obamacare. That legislation is his baby, and for our mistake we will be punished with his baby.

So there is the Democrats’ winning strategy for 2014: Obamacare. It’s a sword of Damocles hanging over the American people, and Obama holds the scissors. So on Election Day we’ll have to ask ourselves: Is punishing the Democrats worth angering the only man who stands between us and absolute doom? No, we must beg him for mercy. Please, Obama, we are but humble farmers, cobblers, and computer programmers. We’ll do whatever you say; just protect us from your monster.