We’re done with 2010, and good riddance; the less said about it, the better. So it can only get better from here on out, right? Well… maybe not. Using my analysis of current events, intuition, a computer model, a magic 8-ball, and a garbage bag full of fortune cookies, I’ve got a list of predictions of what will happen in the next year. And remember, none of my predictions in the past have ever been proven incorrect (mainly because I use a lot of weasel words).
Anyway, even though I’m giving you the scoop now, remember to act surprised when these world-changing events occur, or people will think you’re a sociopath.
January:
On the 3rd, the new Republican majority will take over the House. On the 4th, they will go back to business as usual and be declared a failure and a betrayal to true conservative principles. On the 5th, most of the GOP will be unmasked as actually being Democrats in disguise. Blast! They fooled us again!
Undeterred by losing her speakership, Nancy Pelosi will continue to take unpopular positions, make severely out-of-touch pronouncements, and even invade homes and kill pets until she dissuades her last few supporters and secures her position in the history books as the first politician with a 0% approval rating.
February:
It will be a record warm February — further proof of global warming. Or it will be a record cold February — also proof of global warming. Or it will be the most average February temperatures on record — which would be the greatest proof of global warming of all.
No longer able to ram unpopular, costly legislation through Congress, Barack Obama will begin to lose interest in the presidency. He’ll miss meetings and even disappear for hours at a time. Eventually, his staff will find him at a nearby church pursuing what he now considers his true calling: becoming a crazed, racist preacher.
March:
Harry Reid will still be in office. That was true for the previous months, but it will finally hit conservatives in March that he’s there, and there’s no getting rid of him, causing us all to drink heavily. Expect conservative commentary to be more incoherent this month — and me to be more coherent.
There will be a huge scare this month as people are diagnosed with a rage-type virus like in 28 Days Later. Ends up, though, it’s just liberals who (due to frustration with Obama, hatred of conservatives, the continued existence of Fox News, and Palin still living and smiling and stuff) have gone so crazy, irrationally angry that they’ve actually become feral. Still, I can’t guarantee that if they bite you, you won’t become one.
April:
North Korea and Iran will form an Axis of Countries That Are Inches from Snapping and Taking Millions with Them. First order of business for them will be to create nuclear power plants and a new rocket program, which they promise are unrelated. As evidence of Obama’s increasing disinterest in presidential matters, Obama’s only action will be to send Kim Jong Il and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad a single text message of “plz stop. kthx.” They will declare it an act of a war.
Because of the instability, the U.S.’s economy will continue to collapse, and unemployment will exceed 12%. Obama’s demoralized staff will declare that it would be even worse if they hadn’t saved or created eleventy billion jobs. Paul Krugman will back them up on this claim.
May:
Nothing happens in May. It’s a freebie.
June:
Obama will completely disappear one day, leaving a long, rambling note explaining his decisions to leave, which no will read because it’s really boring. After Joe Biden is signed in, his first act as president will be to put our nation’s top scientists on figuring out how to get his head unstuck from a bucket. He will then address the nation with an impromptu speech full of factual errors and casual racism.
China will quietly invade North Dakota to see what the response will be. No one will notice.
Chevy will release its next attempt at an electric car, even more impractical than the Volt, as it will have only a 20 mile range, and to charge it you have to pick it up and shake it. Everyone will be mandated to buy one.
July:
I’m going to end my predictions here because, due to a depressed economy, rogue nuclear-armed states, an energy crisis, terrorism, childhood obesity, the pervasiveness of talking dogs in movies, clamshell packaging, sparkling vampires, and Justin Bieber, I expect our republic to collapse before it reaches its 235th birthday, and I’m not very good at predicting events in other countries. I expect the world to then be ruled by terrorists, crazed dictators, and freaky Japanese robots. On the plus side, I don’t see any indication the planet will be taken over by apes.
So I’d make it a New Year’s resolution to stock up on guns and canned food. As for me, I’m moving to Alaska, where I expect Sarah Palin to become a powerful warlord.
Happy New Year!
Join the conversation as a VIP Member