PJ Media

Saving Guam from Capsizing All in a Day's Work for U.S. Congressmen

Could Guam capsize? This is not a question a lot of people would think to ask. People just go about their little lives, eating Cheetos, watching Jersey Shore, and never once stopping to think what would happen if a U.S. territory flipped over in the water.

Guam is home to an estimated 178,000 people, and if they and all their homes were thrown into the ocean, it would be one of the greatest disasters in history. There would be loss of life, destruction of property, and permanent damage to the ocean’s ecology. This is a potentially huge problem, but most people are too busy with their new iPads to give it even simple consideration.

This is exactly why we have politicians. Politicians know to study and be concerned about actual important issues so the average citizen doesn’t have to worry about anything more consequential than which funny outfits he should dress his pets in. Our politicians are our best and brightest, and that’s why we put them in charge of what’s most important in this nation. Would the average citizen, when told about plans to put 8,000 Marines on an island, have thought to ask the general in charge about island stability issues? No, he’d most likely unscientifically say, “Guam seems stable to me!” (the same way laymen dismiss global warming because it’s cold outside) and just stare at the general’s shiny medals and ask questions about them.

The average citizen probably wouldn’t have even studied the issue, other than maybe looking Guam up on Wikipedia, seeing its president has the odd name of “Barack Obama,” and dismissing it as an enemy Muslim nation. But Representative Hank Johnson, who we can only assume is the smartest person out of the more than 600,000 people in his district in Georgia, was focused enough to have concerns about Guam capsizing and has potentially saved thousands of lives. They might name a street after him.

Of course, since our politicians are on a higher plane than us, this can cause a bit of a disconnect between them and the hoi polloi. For instance, what have people been concerned about lately? Things like jobs and our wars overseas — the sorts of things stupid people think are important. Politicians, being much smarter than we are, completely ignored those things and worked on health care, creating a giant new government program. The American people can’t understand this and, as happens when dumb people don’t understand things, have become angry. Now Barack Obama is stuck once again traveling around the country trying to explain things in vain to these troglodytes, telling them, “Shut up, stupids! I’m smart and know what’s best!” It’s a very simple point but they don’t seem to be grasping it.

This is probably only going to lead to more trouble down the road, as the American people are still whining about jobs — like that means anything to anyone. Thus, they probably won’t understand why in a time like this we need cap and trade to make energy more expensive and amnesty to make illegal immigration easier. They’ll probably just look at those proposals and say, “Isn’t that going to make the economy worse?” And the only honest answer the politicians have to that is, “No one cares; shut up.” The whole planet could either melt or freeze due to global climate change warming, so how exactly is whether the average citizen can afford to supersize his combo meal of any relevance compared to that?

Again, this is a simple concept you’d think anyone could understand. Politicians are smart, so just shut up and get out of their way. But American citizens keep coming up with the oddest objections to what politicians are trying to do. Representative Phil Hare was explaining how he was using his miraculous legislative powers to cure all sick people, and do you know what someone asked him? Whether it was constitutional.

What the hell? What does that have to do with anything? So Rep. Hare, quite startled by this idiocy, said, “I don’t worry about the Constitution.” Why would anyone worry about the Constitution? If it ever comes up, you just wave your hand and say, “Commerce Clause!” and that should cover it. Yet people are convinced we have to be concerned about what that old, useless document actually means. Do we really want to be held hostage by what a bunch of long-dead, violent libertarians (they actually formed militias and shot British people!) thought a government should be? They wrote a whole document telling a government what it couldn’t do; how does that help sick people?

If anything, the Constitution has been nothing but a menace to politicians. Because of it, we’re currently stuck with democracy. Thus the morons who make up America actually have power, which is why politicians can’t just ignore them and do their important work. Luckily, as more and more of the economy is controlled by the government and thus politicians, democracy can do less and less damage to the politicians’ plans. Thus this disconnect will become less and less relevant, as citizens will lack the power to do anything with their inane objections.

Politicians are our best and brightest, the sort of people who know the internet is not like a truck but instead is a series of tubes, so we want them to control as much as possible. Only through their leadership can we stabilize this entire continent and keep it from capsizing. And if you think a continent can’t capsize, then what do you think happened to Atlantis?

Yeah, they didn’t listen to their politicians either.