War is a very grave affair. Instead of just money, it involves risking the lives of men and women with our policy decisions. On the battlefield, people will be killed without trial. Lives will be ruined. Cities will be decimated. It is an intensely serious matter — the most serious matter a country can engage in — which begs an obvious question. Why do we involve liberals in it at all?
There’s an old expression I just made up: There’s no liberal in a bear attack. In matters of life and death, like a bear ripping apart your house, there is no time to morally preen and pat yourself on the back for how smart you sound. Back in the day, life was pretty brutal for everyone, so there just weren’t any liberals. Unserious people starved to death or were mauled by giant sloths. With death lurking around every corner, people had no time for useless worries like whether warming the ozone would kill unicorns or whatever.
Things are a lot easier now — so easy that even useless people can survive — and thus we now have to suffer liberals. But we have one brutal leftover from the olden days. War. And it’s not something a liberal is ever going to learn to deal with.
As the country plans to increase efforts in Afghanistan, the pointlessness of involving liberals in such a crucial issue really becomes apparent. During the presidential campaign, they were whining that Iraq was distracting from the real war in Afghanistan. And now with Afghanistan the focus, are they gung ho? Do they want to eradicate the awful Taliban, which oppresses its people and gives aid and comfort to al-Qaeda, who murdered thousands of Americans?
Of course not.
Liberals have only one piece of wisdom to add to any discussion about war: “This war is just like Vietnam!” That’s it. Nothing else. Every war is Vietnam, and Vietnam is very bad. That’s all they know. I’m not even sure how they protested wars before Vietnam (“This war is just like 1812!”). And to distract from the fact that they have one argument, they also have the non sequitur of calling people chickenhawks.
And if someone was in the military, they’ll say he is still a chickenhawk because he’s not in it now. And if someone is in the military now, then if he believes so much in the war, why isn’t he over fighting it just this instant? And even if someone were to meet a liberal’s impossible standards for having the right to argue for a war, it would be completely pointless to engage them on the subject, because all one could ever get out of them is, “This war is just like Vietnam!” They’re annoying, shrill, and repetitive; it’s like arguing with an alarm clock.
Just look at how they were after 9/11 when the war started in Afghanistan. They barely waited a day before calling things a quagmire (that’s another way of saying “It’s just like Vietnam!”). Then when Iraq started up, they forgot Afghanistan and declared Iraq to be Vietnam. And now that Afghanistan is in the news, they’ve forgotten Iraq and declared that Afghanistan is Vietnam again, and we have to get out before it’s too late. Sure, many liberals acted like they were going to support Afghanistan while Obama was campaigning (were they chickenhawks then?), but that’s because liberals will support a war abstractly as a cynical political ploy. But for conservatives to expect liberals to support a war when we’re actually engaged in it is like Charlie Brown expecting Lucy to hold the football in place.
As for why, that just gets us back to the fact that liberals are terminally unserious people, and any time the country is focused on war, it just reminds everyone how pointless liberals are. When liberals took control of this country with two active wars and an economy in shambles, what was their focus? The health care “crisis.” (When, by their standards, was health care last not in crisis? Was that a problem the Founding Fathers inherited from the British?)
Also, they’re really intent on tackling that global climate warming change problem. When we have people out there seeking and plotting our murders, they want to save the world through changing their light bulbs. It took months to get Obama to finally make a decision on what to do with Afghanistan, because, as a liberal, it’s the last thing he wanted to handle. This serves as a reminder of how stupid it was to elect a useless community organizer to the presidency in the first place.
Liberals act like they look down on the military, but deep down they know these are people actually making a difference in the world while they’re twiddling with their carbon credits. I’m a reasonably productive American, but even I feel small when I think of the sacrifices our military has made throughout America’s existence so that I can enjoy a cushy lifestyle. So how must a liberal feel when forced to think about such important things? All they want is for serious things to go away so they can feel better about their silliness.
So what do we do? Simple. The next time we go to war, let’s just not tell liberals about it. We’ll tell them we listened closely to their rhyming chants and were quite impressed by their papier-mâché puppets and thus decided to give peace a chance and whatnot. And then we’ll go through with the war and only let Fox News cover it and distract the other networks by framing a celebrity for murder or something. Then we can fight a war without any liberal interference. If we really miss their input, we can train a parrot to squawk “It’s just like Vietnam!” over and over.
Man, I already want to kill that parrot.