Is it just me, or is Barack Obama not the most experienced person we’ve ever had as president? On some of his foreign trips, he’s seemed a bit befuddled on how to behave himself. It’s almost like Obama has never been to a foreign country, which certainly has to be a blow to conspiracy theorists who think he was born in one. His recent bowing before the Japanese emperor was so lame it even embarrassed the Japanese. It’s like Obama learned his Japanese etiquette from watching The Karate Kid.
Now, foreign affairs can be quite confusing. Frankly, I wouldn’t even have thought that guy was emperor, because he’s so assuming in a business suit (shouldn’t an emperor at least have a fancy hat?). And it gets even worse in other countries with their crazy languages and clothing and which animals they consider sacred or filthy. Still, the president of the United States really needs to know how to comport himself out there so everyone is well aware how completely awesome our country is and how much better it is than any of the others with their stupid kings and emperors and parliaments and what not.
Usually, I try to undermine Obama in absolutely any way I can — even trying to get him imprisoned if possible — because I’m hyper-partisan, but in foreign affairs Obama is representing all of America, so it’s important that he does well. Thus I’m going to help him out and give him all the advice I can on how to politely conduct himself in foreign countries while still asserting America’s dominance.
TIPS FOR OBAMA ON HOW TO BEHAVE IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES
- When in a foreign country, U.S. presidents customarily greet its leaders with a measure of time. For example, when visiting France, you’d say, “Hello, President Sarkozy. Seven to ten minutes, considering traffic.” This should be how long you estimate it will take for the U.S. military to conquer the country.
- A deep bow to someone in Japan is too formal and too obsequious. Instead, use a more causal, friendly gesture — such as grabbing the emperor in a headlock and shouting, “Noogie!” and then rapping your knuckles across his scalp.
- If a country gives you a sentimental gift, such as a special pen holder made from the wood of an anti-slavery ship, don’t tell them you’d rather they get you Modern Warfare 2 for the X-Box. Instead, accept it graciously and just subtly point out your Amazon Wish List for future use.
- In the Middle East, don’t throw a shoe at someone’s face, as it is considered a grave insult instead of the lighthearted gesture of friendship it is in Europe.
- Also while in the Middle East, don’t ask any foreign leader how his day has been unless you want to listen to a long rant about the Jews.
- Foreign countries can be quite confusing, so be extra sure something is a urinal before you pee on it.
- While it’s usually considered extremely impolite to pick up a foreign leader and hold him over your head, it is a great way to assert your dominance.
- Don’t tell foreign leaders how great it is for them to meet you.
- When visiting Asia, a great way to be friendly with dignitaries is to ask them to teach you some of the martial arts they know. If they say they don’t know any, they’re lying, and that is a grave insult to your honor. Challenge them to a kung fu fight at dawn so as not to lose face.
- The United States was founded on being anti-royalty, so the usual custom for an American president when meeting a monarch is to punch him right in the face. You can use a slap instead for a queen, but go ahead and sock Queen Elizabeth — she’s a good sport about it.
- You may be tempted to bow to Kryptonian generals, but you’ll only please them if you kneel.
- Even if you think you can do a really good impression of the people from a certain country, they probably won’t like it very much. Instead, do an impression of Christopher Walken; everyone finds that funny.
- Not every overweight person in Asia is a sumo wrestler.
- Despite how silly some of the outfits look in other countries, resist the urge to laugh at any foreign leader, no matter how ridiculously he is dressed. If you do laugh, tell him you’re laughing at his face and not his clothing to make it just a personal insult instead of one to his entire culture.
- While Hugo Chavez defecating in your shoe might seem like a grave insult, it really just means you haven’t been paying him enough attention.
- If you’re going to give royalty an iPod, don’t just load it with your speeches, as that might seem a bit self-centered. At least put some Lady Gaga on there. Also, I think I read somewhere that royalty loves death metal.
- Before you tell a foreign leader what a great Rottweiler he has, make sure it’s not actually one of his children.
- It’s considered impolite to point out to Saudi royals that they look like villains from a Disney movie.
- If you’re going to try speaking the native language of another country, make sure it actually is the language. For instance, you’re not actually speaking Italian if you just add an extra vowel to the end of every word.
- If you’re giving a speech in an oppressive country, go ahead and swear like a sailor since the government is already going to censor your speech before broadcasting it to its people.
- The only person it’s appropriate for an American president to bow to is the god-king Xerxes … but only if you’re about to throw a spear at him. And it’s okay to yell “Sparta!” while doing it as long as you’re talking about Sparta, New Jersey.
- If you think a foreign dignitary is being racist toward you, don’t take it lightly. Since you’re a representative of the U.S., he’s being racist to all of America, so go ahead and piledrive him, even if it’s in the middle of dinner.
- If a leader presents you with a special outfit native to his country, whatever you do don’t put it on. Just explain to him that you don’t want to look like a total moron. He’ll understand.
- If upon returning home you’re surprised that things seem off and that people around you are slightly odd in their speech, you may actually still be on a foreign trip and in Canada. This can be especially confusing because they’ll still do whatever you tell them when you order them around.
There you go, Obama. Now get out there and see if you can get foreigners to bow to you for a change!