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Obama Barackette

A conspiracy theory has been going around for some time that Barack Obama is hiding his real birth certificate because he is actually constitutionally ineligible to be president. Like most respectable conservatives, I’ve stayed away from such conjecture so as not to get the crazy on me, but now I’ve been having second thoughts.

Many of Obama’s recent actions have made him seem quite suspect, and I’m beginning to think there is good reason to believe he is not eligible to be our president as outlined by our Founding Fathers in the Constitution. About the office of the president, Article 2, Section 1 clearly states: “neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty-five Years.”

Thus I believe Obama is not qualified as he is, in fact, a little girl.

Now, while Obama’s original birth certificate has never been made public, Hawaii has issued a certificate of live birth that declares Barack Obama to be a forty-eight-year-old man. Usually I’d consider something like that official enough, but evidence has mounted that’s made me doubt it. First it was his weakness on foreign policy. Then there were his complaints about Republican opposition. Next was just how easy he is to push around. Finally, there is his whimpering about Fox News. Now, I think we owe it to the Constitution and the Founding Fathers to analyze Obama and ask ourselves: Are these the actions of an adult male or a whiny, sissy little girl?

This is an important question, and we should treat it seriously. Now I know partisan hacks are going to scream, “He’s not a little girl! Shut up shut up shut up!” But the evidence is devastating. Just look at Obama’s foreign policy since taking office. As enemies like Iran oppress their people and move towards obtaining nuclear weapons, does he strike back against them forcefully like any real man would? No, that’s too scary for him. Tough talk like that would make him hug his dolly. He just wants to talk and be nice so no one yells at him.

He even tried inviting Iran to a barbecue. That sounds a lot like a sissy little girl too afraid to stand up to people. Any day now, he might invite Ahmadinejad over to play house with him. Obama even took missile defense out of Eastern Europe because he didn’t want people getting all angry — just the sort of thing a little girl would worry about. For wimpy actions like this, Norway awarded him the Nobel Peace Prize, which is basically a prize awarded to people in recognition of them being dainty little girls.

Even greater evidence of Obama being a little girl, though, is his girlish whining. He’s constantly whining about his predecessor President Bush, screaming “that’s not fair!” anytime someone suggests he might need to shoulder some responsibility for the economy (and aren’t his trillions in spending for a country in debt something anyone smarter than a little girl would have instantly seen as a problem?). Obama is also constantly throwing tantrums about the Republicans opposing him.

Now, if an adult were president and his party had large majorities in the House and Senate, he’d probably just go ahead and pass the legislation he wanted without worrying about opposition from the other party. Little girls aren’t that rational, though; they just want to scream and cry about anyone saying mean things about them. Just like Obama.

Of course, the whining hasn’t stopped with just the Republicans. Let’s say you’re the most powerful man in the world, with armies and nukes, facing terrorists and rogue nations while your economy is collapsing. What do you focus on? Now, let’s say you still have all that power and all those threats, but you’re a melodramatic little girl. Now what do you focus on? That’s right: Fox News saying mean things about you. We have a president who could easily wipe countries off the map with the push of a button crying about one network allowing bad things to be said about him. What possible rational explanation could there be for that? At some point, we would need a conspiracy theory to prove he’s not a whiny little girl.

Liberals should be concerned about this too. Republicans have already begun to wake up to the fact that he’s a little girl and can be pushed around just by yelling at him enough. That’s why they’ve been able to effectively block many of Obama’s policy ideas when they don’t even have the votes. And how many friends has Obama thrown under the bus because his little girly self got too frightened by people shouting at him? Democrats are unlikely to have a better opportunity than now to make their ideas law, but it’s unlikely they’ll make much of it because Obama is a scared little girl who doesn’t want to make too many waves. Of course, liberal policy ideas are basically the ideas a little girl would come up with, but apparently they need a man to argue for them because Barackette ain’t doing it.

I was always a little confused by the qualifications the Founding Fathers put in the Constitution for the president, as there are plenty of people who would be horrible for the country yet still meet those qualifications. So in the end it’s up to the people to make a good choice anyway. Still, after standing up to their oppressors, they probably just wanted to emphasize how important it was that the country not be led by a little sissy girl, which is why they put in the age requirement.

With the evidence suggesting that Obama is in fact female and no more than eight-years-old, his Hawaii certification is obviously a forgery, and our country is currently at great risk. Any day now, North Korea could offer to get him a pony in exchange for nuclear secrets, and that little girl Obama would probably jump at the offer (unless he’s scared of ponies). So we need to declare his presidency unconstitutional and eject him from office. But when we throw him out, we’d better by him a new Barbie doll or something, or he’ll never stop crying.