“Them Jews ain’t going to let him talk to me.”
You just can’t trust them Jews. I should know; I’m one of them. But I must confess that I have become weary of lurking in the shadows, plotting against the very people who have so graciously welcomed me into the bosom of the nation, plying my conspiratorial will to destabilize the economy, as did my good friend Bernie Madoff, and lobbying hard to undermine the national interest, as John Mearsheimer and Stephen Walt so astutely discerned in their insightful and groundbreaking book, The Israel Lobby and U.S. Foreign Policy. And I must admit, too, that I have never liked the taste of the blood of Christian children and long ago forswore the practice of draining their little bodies to make my Passover matzot.
Yes, I have grown sick and depressed intriguing against all and sundry, as I have been taught by the masters of the Torah, but especially against so beneficent a nation as the United States of America. I have experienced a change of heart. Not only will I now cease my nefarious activities but I will reveal to my fellow countrymen the sinister magnitude of the Jewish plot against the weal of the nation. President Obama’s former pastor of choice, Jeremiah Wright, was perfectly correct in suspecting our motives, though he failed to recognize the scope and nature of our recent electoral project.
It is no secret that somewhere between 78% and 83% of Jewish Americans cast their vote for Barack Obama. It is well known that organizations such as J Street, the Israel Policy Forum, the Union of Reform Judaism, the Jewish Voice for Peace, the Reconstructionist Rabbinical Association, Brit Tzedek V’Shalom, or the Jewish Alliance for Justice, and Rabbis for Obama, among many others, brought their institutional clout to bear in order to support Obama’s run for the White House. All this, my friends, is no accident.
We Jews are a sly and surreptitious people. It pains me to admit this, but candor compels. We have understood that the best way to bring America to its knees, to weaken its will to survive, to cleverly turn it against itself, was to do everything in our considerable arsenal of means to deliver the White House to Barack Obama. We knew that once he assumed the reins of power, the United States would begin to crumble and that we could then continue our march to world domination, as disclosed in The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, over the decaying cadaver of this once-proud country. There would be no stopping us in our progress toward universal supremacy.
The plot, however, thickens. We are not Zionists, but convinced anti-Zionists, for we are equally aware that Israel too stands in our way, asserting its national identity as the consolidation of Jewish purpose when our real intention is to take over the world. We cannot rest satisfied with a tiny slice of the Middle East as the consummation of our world-historical will. The Israelis, regrettably, have allowed themselves to be deflected from what they have not realized is a messianic destination, indeed, a divinely inspired mission. They have no business being where they are. It is our duty as bearers of the flame of planetary, not local, dominion to see to the dissolution of this stiff-necked little state.
Even those who have nothing good to say about us must admire the beauty and elegance of our plan. Is not Obama practicing tough love with the Israelis? Is he not laboring to delegitimize the Jewish state in its struggle against its many determined adversaries? Is he not doing our work for us, even as he sees to the degradation of his own country? What a superbly conceived apocalyptic twofer, as the two chief hurdles to our farsighted goal collapse in one another’s arms and are carted off the stage of history!
The central fact remains. The real impediment in our road map to world conquest is the United States of America, the superpower which leaves no room for any other. We have thus taken counsel together and concluded in our wisdom that Barack Obama is the portal through which we will enter into our birthright. For as the United States disintegrates under his stewardship, as it sinks beneath the weight of incalculable debt, as its people are gradually impoverished and disempowered, and as its enemies abroad proceed to erode its international presence and create havoc and misery in the homeland, the greatest obstacle to our hegemony will be removed.
North Korea is already under our discreet control. The Iranian mullahs have been our clandestine front men since the Khomeini revolution of 1979. Even Venezuela’s rather dimwitted Hugo Chavez is insensibly being brought into the fold, though we still have a way to go here. Howbeit, just a little more time, another generation at the utmost, and we will have accomplished our subtle and long-incubated design.
But, to reiterate, the major factor in realizing our objective was to bring about the election of Barack Obama. And in this we have succeeded.
I say “we” and “our” but, in truth, it would be more appropriate to say “they” and “their,” for I can no longer approve the machinations of so heinous and perfidious a cabal. My conscience has got the better of me.
There! Now you know all. I implore my fellow citizens to forgive me for the part I have played in this shameful complot. But I take some comfort in at least having exposed our ulterior aspirations in seeking to bring Barack Obama to the helm of his unsuspecting country.