Vote Obama: A Celebrity President the World Will Adore

Ok, let’s just get this over with: I am voting for Barack Obama. The reason is quite simple. I want a celebrity president that the world adores. Forget about policy. I yearn for the day when people stop me on the streets of foreign capitals and say, “Hey, you’re from that shining city on the hill aren’t you? Would you like to marry my daughter?”

For the past few years when I am traveling abroad and I forget to lie and say “I am Canadian,” I get that disquieting look of reproach, followed by an awkward break in the conversation; as if I told them that I have come for their first born or I do credit checks for a mortgage company.

Obama can change that. While he may very well be lacking in substance, he has that smile, that style, that pop-ish persona that can only boost our image overseas. And what’s wrong with that? If the naysayers are right, and we are headed for a socialist state under King Barack, then our businesses are going to need all the help they can get when committing acts of commerce abroad.

Now some of you who have read this far might say that I am being anti-American or that I am selling this great country short. I can see the comments now: “You moron! That is just nonsense! America is the greatest country on earth! Everyone wants to come here!”

While I am not in the habit of pinching total strangers, might I suggest that yes, you are dreaming. The reason people want to come to America is not necessarily because America is such a great country, but because their own country more than likely sucks.

Where are most of these people coming from anyway? Mexico, India, the Philippines, El Salvador, Cuba and China. Now there is a winning list of departure points. Other than the Canadians — who are probably just looking to escape the boredom — there is a noticeable dearth of “first world” countries whose citizens are breaking down our doors to get in.

If we are no longer an object of respect in our group of peers, we could at least have a celebrity president. Someone that the world looks at and says, “Wow, I wish that was our guy.”

There are other benefits as well. I am surprised that those of you out there still living under the delusion that Barack Obama is a Muslim aren’t actually cheering the “fact.” Think about it: with Obama at the helm there will be some kid studying in a madrassa in Pakistan or Saudi Arabia incessantly raising his hand saying, “But teacher, the infidel president is one of us!” Can’t you just see the theocratic tyranny coming apart at the seams?

And maybe we are looking at this socialism/higher-taxes thing in the wrong way. Our economy is all about competition right? If Bob the Plumber sets up shop across the street from Joe and Joe starts losing money to Bob, then Joe is going to take it up a notch and work harder, right? Just pretend that Bob is Obama, taxing small business into greater competitive spirit. It’s quite magical when you really think about it.

I drifted off a bit into policy, when I really didn’t want to. Because, quite frankly, for me that is not what this election is about. It is about putting the best face out there. John McCain? Is that the image we want for the next four years? Old guy, a bit temperamental, with a pretty sidekick who hates people from big cities. Half the world’s population lives in big cities. What kind of message are we sending to them? I bet they buy a Toyota instead of that Town Car.

At any rate, the bottom line is this: Do you want me to continue walking the streets of foreign lands saying I am Canadian? If for no other reason, vote for Obama to help me out.