Klavan On The Culture

What the Left Means by Gender

Our friends on the left talk a lot about gender but sometimes the things they say can be difficult to understand, as if they were speaking Swahili or as if they were a possessed child uttering obscure Latin phrases backwards and then screaming a language no human ear has ever heard while her head twists around backwards until she subsides into a series of unintelligible half syllables and finally ends up staring glassily into the middle distance with a green slime dribbling down the side of her mouth.

So many of you may ask: What does the left actually believe about gender? Let me explain.

In the past, people believed there were two genders that evolved according to their purposes. The purpose of men was to say things like, “Va-va-va-voom!” and then hit each other over the head with axes. The purpose of women was to look amazing and then have babies (for some reason).

Thus, according to the rules of evolution, men slowly became better at making axes and other tools such as hydrogen bombs and those things that dispense soft ice cream to make swirly chocolate cones. Women became better at worrying where you’d been till this time of night and waking you up whenever a baby turned over in his crib seven blocks away.

But according to the left, these gender differences were not caused by evolution. According to the left, evolution only occurs when you don’t want to believe in the Bible because it’s stopping you from having sex with someone.

In fact, the left believes that all gender differences were imposed on us by Society, which is a sinister organization that meets in secret to impose gender differences on unwitting individuals who are just minding their own business.

Without this sinister gender imposing Society, men and women are the same. Men can do things we thought only women could do like menstruate and wear high heels, and women can do things we thought only men could do like use reason and pretend they’ve slept with a lot of women when in fact they’ve only been watching Star Trek reruns.

Since men and women are the same, a man can stay home and take care of the babies until he’s ready to die of oxycontin addiction, and a woman can run a major corporation even while multitasking by simultaneously sobbing to her psychiatrist that she’s wasted her life running some stupid corporation when she could’ve been home with the kids.

And since there is no difference between men and women, when a man says he’s a woman in a man’s body, it doesn’t change anything because a woman in a man’s body would be the same as a man in a woman’s body unless the woman didn’t want the man in her body then the man goes to prison where he can be either a man or a woman depending on who’s holding the makeshift knife.

So now you understand that according to the left, there is no difference between men and women. You also understand there is a substantial difference between leftism and reality.

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