Well, the last debate is over… and probably the election… and the Republic… and all our hopes and dreams. So as an official political commentator licensed to look into the future, it’s time for me to examine what is likely to happen next.
In the event that Hillary Clinton wins the presidency while Republicans hold onto majorities in the House and Senate, it seems probable that the congressional investigations will deepen into Clinton’s misuse of classified information, her pay for play corruption and her various acts of perjury. Desperate to protect their Democrat cronies, the mainstream media will then attempt to discredit the investigators by unearthing their personal secrets, whereupon they’ll accidentally stumble upon the fact that Utah Congresswoman Mia Love has never appeared simultaneously with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. When the story appears in the Provos Gazette and Pennysaver, Congresswoman Love will rip off her full-face mask in the well of the house and reveal herself to be in fact a fat-faced Asian lunatic, who will start shrieking in incomprehensible Korean as a signal for the Norks to unleash a series of nuclear attacks on the makers of the Seth Rogen comedy The Interview, thus destroying civilization and issuing in a period of savagery during which small bands of violent survivors will war over earth’s remaining resources by engaging in death races across a now wasted landscape, trying to slaughter one another while driving jerry-rigged go-karts, with flamethrowers mounted on their frames. Those who lose the death races will be used as human sacrifices to appease the wrath of Glenn Beck, who will have been made emperor by virtue of being the only person who remembered to buy gold. Beck will slowly be driven insane by the knowledge that every one of his most catastrophic predictions has actually come true, and he’ll make his way into an American missile silo where he’ll guess that the launch sequence is the six digits created when Joe Biden’s IQ is added to his zip code, thus setting off the missiles and initiating a nuclear winter that will render earth uninhabitable for a thousand years. At this point, a crippled but still breathing Kim Jong Un will drag himself out of his underground bunker still wearing his Mia Love skirt suit (for some reason) only to discover that the lone sign of human life remaining is a half-buried TV set on which the Seth Rogen sex scene from The Interview is playing on an endless loop. Due to a bizarre mutation caused by exposure to radiation, Kim Jong Un will find himself unable to die and will be forced to watch the scene for the next ten millennia until a living creature evolves who is complex enough to turn the TV off and then devour the North Korean dictator, who at that point will be grateful for the agonizing end of his existence which by extension will be the end of all human life forever.
In the event Hillary Clinton wins the presidency and the Democrats take over congress – then we’re totally screwed.
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