The opening from my Wednesday podcast:
You know, when I think back on the most exciting moments of the Democratic National Convention, I generally find I regain consciousness about two hours later, standing by the side of the freeway in my underwear, holding a sign that reads, “Will mow lawns if you’ll just please kill me.”
But perhaps the most inspiring moment of the convention was when Hillary Clinton said: “I believe in science!” She just looked so darned happy with that creepy smile of hers that I found it really uplifting to see how her simple faith in science gave her so much joy. And then of course there was the way all the Democrats started clapping for science, as if they were trying to bring science back to life the way they did with Tinkerbelle during the Democrat class trip to see Peter Pan.
So I said to myself, “Clem, it’s time you stopped clinging to your Bible and your gun and started believing in some of this here science stuff yourself.” Then I got insulted because I’d called myself Clem and that’s not my name, so I took out my gun and shot myself. Luckily, the Bible was in my pocket and stopped the bullet.
But how is a simple knuckle-dragging conservative like me supposed to understand anything as sophisticated and Democrat-like as science? Well, I got down to work and here’s what I learned.
Democrats believe in evolution! That means that over thousands and thousands of years, nature has shaped human beings for reproduction, making women beautiful and nurturing so that they could attract powerful, successful men who will impregnate them and protect them while the women take care of their young — and these gender roles are completely constructed by an oppressive society and can be thrown off like an old coat to make life more fair.
Democrats believe that the earth is at the mercy of natural forces that brought it from a hot molten state to a cooler solid one, then through ice ages in which glaciers formed and then melted to create many of our great lakes and then new ice ages came and ended and today, if the temperature rises half a degree in fifty years, it’s a sign that driving your car is causing the apocalypse and the government has to take over the oil industry.
Democrats believe in building brilliant new machines that can look right inside a woman’s body and see a tiny baby forming in the womb with completely shaped fingers and toes and a beating heart and a brain – images that must never be shown on television so you won’t feel bad when you rip the baby to pieces because you really wanted a Sagitarius and you’re due in June.
So after I learned about all these things, I said to myself, “Homer, I may just be a dumb Republican but I’m not so dumb that I’m going to believe in anything as irrational as Democrat science no matter how much it makes Hillary Clinton smile that creepy smile.” Then I said to myself: Stop calling me Homer. That’s not my name. Damn it.
For more commentary, listen to my podcast here.