The (satirical) opening from one of my podcasts this week:
Presumptive Republican nominee for humiliating president Donald Trump continues his out-of-control rampage of attacks and innuendoes against Hillary Clinton, the presumptive Democrat nominee for Grand Poobah Femalissimus Maxima… a position that doesn’t actually exist. Yet.
In Trump’s latest outrage, he referred to the 1993 death of Vince Foster as “very fishy.” Foster was the deputy White House counsel during the Clinton administration who committed suicide in a Virginia Park by shooting himself in the mouth. The suicide spurred rumors that the Clintons had murdered Foster, especially after Bill and Hillary’s aides apparently removed documents from Foster’s office after his death.
But Foster’s death has been investigated repeatedly and ruled a suicide as has the death of Kathleen Willey’s husband Edward, who shot himself on the very same day Mrs. Willey says Bill Clinton chased her around the oval office, grabbing her private parts.
Mrs. Willey’s accusations were thoroughly denied by Clinton operatives as were charges that Hillary sold her influence as a senator in return for donations to the Clinton Foundation from Russian businessman Boris Payoff, who later committed suicide by throwing himself down a flight of stairs then beating himself to death with an aluminum baseball bat.
Investigators have debunked those allegations as they have the charges that Clinton’s suspicious private email server was broken into by a Romanian hacker who later did himself in by shooting himself six times in the back of the head.
That death was ruled a suicide as were the deaths of five people who witnessed the fatal attacks on the American compound in Benghazi and accused Clinton of lying about the attacks. Those witnesses tragically ended their own lives by locking themselves in a cellar and setting the house on fire while screaming, “Help, help, please don’t kill us!”
Mrs. Clinton laughed off questions about these deaths as she laughed off charges that she accepted payoffs in the form of her husband’s speaking fees, which mysteriously skyrocketed after she became secretary of state. These allegations were detailed in a book by a Hoover Institution journalist, who later committed suicide by running very fast down a dark alley and then riddling himself with machine gun bullets.
Mrs. Clinton was absolved of all responsibility for the journalist’s death as she was absolved of charges that her private email server was wiped clean by a tech expert in New Jersey. The expert later went home and left a suicide note reading,“Dear God I think someone is going to…” and then killed himself by sticking his feet into a tub full of cement and hurling himself into the Atlantic ocean about 135 miles offshore.
Mrs. Clinton responded to Trump’s outrageous charges by saying, “Donald Trump’s attacks on me have become increasingly irresponsible and absurd. And by the way, I’ve noticed he’s been looking a little depressed lately…”
For more commentary, listen to my podcasts Monday through Thursday.