The opening monologue from one of this week’s Andrew Klavan Show podcasts:
Nevada Democrats held a convention over the weekend. Fortunately, only seventeen people were killed, thirty were wounded, and eight were found hung upside down from lamp posts with clown makeup painted on their faces and pink ribbons tied around their private parts. I’m not sure what that was about.
The melee started when supporters of Bernie Sanders accused Hillary Clinton supporters of rigging the outcome of the convention by luring some of Sanders’ delegates to a deserted toll booth on Long Island then blocking their exit and riddling their jittering bodies with machine gun bullets. The Clinton camp claimed this was part of the complex delegate selection process and well within Democrat party rules.
Furious Sanders supporters responded by charging off to storm the Winter Palace and unseat the Tsar, until they found out the Winter Palace was in St. Petersburg whereupon Sanders promised that if he was elected everyone would receive free tickets to Russia since unseating the Tsar was their constitutional right as Americans. When informed that the Tsar has been dead since 1918, Sanders snapped back, “So have I but that hasn’t stopped me from running for president.”
When told of the Sanders camp’s aggressive tactics, Mrs. Clinton tried to calm the mob by sending them a pair of Sanders’s pants with a mackerel wrapped up inside them. Mrs. Clinton told reporters that this was an old Sicilian symbol meaning, “Bernie Sanders sleeps with the fishes.” Sanders dismissed the message, saying it merely meant that he had forgotten to put his pants on this morning, and had also misplaced his mackerel.
Hillary Clinton supporter and intolerable shrew Senator Barbara Boxer bravely faced down the booing crowd, telling them that “when you boo me, you boo Bernie Sanders, because I actually am Bernie Sanders dressed in women’s clothes. That’s why I was in the men’s room earlier this evening. It’s not because I was hoping to brush up against a man because I’m just so terribly lonely.”
Unfortunately, this explanation seemed insufficient after Bernie Sanders himself crept up behind Senator Boxer and drove an icepick into her neck, explaining that the Mensheviks had betrayed the Bolsheviks, and that Boxer was actually Trotsky in drag and in fact Trotsky could be hiding anywhere and everywhere among the crowd.
At that point, Sanders supporters started running around hysterically sticking ice picks in one another, while Mrs. Clinton, for her part, attended the baptism of her new grandaughter during which Barzini, Tattaglia, Moe Greene, Stracci and all of the Clinton family’s other enemies were mysteriously gunned down at locations around the country. Their delegates were awarded to Hillary before being garrotted to death..
Asked about the chaos in the Democrat party, presumptive Republican nominee for disastrous president Donald Trump told reporters, “I have no comment on that. I wouldn’t want to insult anybody or hurt anyone’s feelings. In fact, I don’t want to talk to the press at all. I’m a very shy person really and just want to be left alone from now on.”
Okay, that last part was pure fantasy.
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