So I read in the news that the Republicans sold out all their principles to end the government shut down and I was, like, “Whaaat? The government shut down??? No way!!!” Because, you know, you would think if the government shut down that would be really inconvenient but it turns out, not so much. Only there were a lot of people on television saying, no, this was really, really, serious, dude, because if the government shuts down too long, we’ll default on our debt. And they had really, really serious faces on when they said this so I started to get worried and I was all, like, “Really? You mean, if this government shutdown I didn’t even notice was happening goes on for too long, we won’t be able to pay the interest on all the loans we had to take on account of the fact we were spending too much money?” But in fact, it turns out if we “defaulted,” we’d actually have plenty of money to pay off the interest on our loans, we’d just have to stop paying for all those things we spent too much money on so that we’d no longer be spending too much money. So I was all, like, “Oh, hey, that would be great, right?” But what do you know, the idea of not spending too much money was so unpopular that the Republicans had to sell out all their principles to make sure it didn’t happen. And this was all Ted Cruz’s fault because Ted Cruz had principles so he made the other Republicans look bad. And now, instead of being popular for having no principles, the Republicans have no principles and are unpopular, which is a very bad thing because it’s much better to be popular. So that rotten Ted Cruz ruined everything for the Republicans because instead of having no principles and getting re-elected, they might have no principles and get thrown out of office. And that would mean more Democrats because Democrats not only have no principles, they actually run on the platform of having no principles, so what could possibly go wrong for them? And all this made Barack Obama very happy and he was all, like, “I rock! I rule! I’m a genius!” And then reporters asked him, “So how come everything sucks when you’re president?” And he was all, like, “Huh?” No, I’m joking. Reporters would never ask him that question. They’re reporters. They have to ask about, like, Michelle’s new dog and stuff.
Anyway, this is why I’ve been thinking about a third party. At my place, 8PM. Bring your own government.