There Is No Cannibalism in Haiti — Or Perhaps at Least Some

AP Photo/Odelyn Joseph

On a long enough timeline, every Monty Python sketch comes true. It seems like only a couple of years ago (Steve, it was only a couple of years ago —editor) that I reminded you of the classic scene from "Monty Python's Life of Brian" that both mocked and predicted today's transinsanity.

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When rebel leader Stan (Eric Idle) reveals that he wants to be called "Loretta" and that he wants to have babies, his comrade Reg (John Cleese) wouldn't have any of it.

REG: What’s the point?

FRANCIS: What?

REG: What’s the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he can’t have babies?!

FRANCIS: It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.

REG: Symbolic of his struggle against reality.

Even the Python boys — and they are all XY-endowed actual males — might not dare film that scene today.

Today, we aren't supposed to talk about cannibalism in the Royal Navy... er, in Haiti.

"May I take this opportunity of emphasizing that there is no cannibalism in the British Navy," Graham Chapman's RN officer said to a reporter in the classic "Expedition to Lake Pahoe" sketch. "Absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount, more than we are prepared to admit."

Western news sources are mostly hush-hush on the issue of people who eat people (the luckiest people in the world, according to the song) as Haiti collapses, but the most powerful man in Haiti is a gang leader they call Barbecue "because of his penchant of burning people alive." There was at least one video going around Twitter/X of one gang member "tearing flesh from the leg of a burning corpse and eating it."

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The clip has since been pulled.

Some dispute whether or not any actual human leg was eaten or if maybe the video was a year or two old. What doesn't seem to be in dispute is that a guy named Barbecue ("Babekyou" in the local parlance) has helped provide all the necessary ingredients — random violence, approaching famine, crispy human flesh — for cannibalism to come into practice in the Western Hemisphere's poorest and most screwed-up nation.

"Rights group Plan International said many were fleeing the capital for Artibonite, traditionally Haiti's breadbasket farming region," Reuters reported last week, "but whose residents are now facing food shortages as fighting spreads north."

Biden administration on Saturday was forced to close the U.S. embassy in Port-au-Prince and airlift out all American personnel. CBS News said the move was due to "escalating gang violence," which is like referring to D-Day as "an Allied visit to the charming beaches of Normandy."

Haiti's prime minister, Ariel Henry, fled the country last week and on Tuesday announced that he will resign. The former was absolutely necessary for his own safety, and the latter seems superfluous.  

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Henry's resignation becomes effective as soon as a "presidential transition council" is set up in consultation with "various Haitian stakeholders." This is the equivalent of a few sheep negotiating over who will run the local pack of coyotes.

State of State Antony Blinken offered another $100 million in American dollars to pay for a Kenya-led security force to take over governance of the ungovernable country.

I swear I'm not making this up.

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