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Habsburgs vs Kims in a Royal Battle for Ultimate Freakiness

January 24th, 2013 - 9:37 am

I’m looking at the Drudge Report and thinking of the Habsburgs — and before you ask, yes I’m sober.

But look at this photo of North Korean leader Kim Jong-un that Drudge is running this morning.

And now take a look at this portrait of the last of the Spanish Habsburgs, Charles II.

No, they don’t look anything alike. But they do have some similarities. Before we get to what those are exactly, here’s Un’s father and predecessor, the late Kim Jong-il.

And now Charles’ father and predecessor, Philip IV.

And now for Kim Jong’s father and predecessor, Kim Il-sung.

And finally — I’m sure you can see where this is going by now — Philip’s father and predecessor, Philip III.

The Habsburgs were notoriously inbred. Charles’ great-great-great grandmother, Queen Joanna of Castile, according to Wikipedia was two of Charles’ 16 great-great-great-grandmothers, six of his 32 great-great-great-great-grandmothers, and six of his 64 great-great-great-great-great-grandmothers. She was also known as “the Mad.” But just a quick look at three generations of royal portraits tells the gruesome story. The handsome face, the strong chin, the distinctive nose, all became genetic caricatures over the course of just three generations.

Charles was mentally and physically handicapped. He died at 38, after spending his short life barely able to talk because his giant tongue matched his giant chin. It’s no surprise, and certainly a blessing, that he sired no children. I had a high school history teacher tell us that Charles had looked in a mirror, and in a single moment of lucidity decided then and there never to become a father. I’m pretty sure Mr. Dickinson was pulling our legs, but not entirely sure. I mean, scroll back up and look at that portrait again, if you dare.

Which brings us to North Korea’s Kim Dynasty.

I have no reason to think that the Kims have been marrying their sister-cousins or anything like that. But it is remarkable that over the course of just three generations, they keep getting rounder and meaner and dumber. The roundest and meanest and dumbest of them is now threatening to fire nuclear-capable missiles towards the continental United States, and rain hellfire down upon us and all the rest.

But before Kim Jung-un goes and prematurely makes himself the last of his dynasty, maybe he ought to take a look in the mirror.

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