August 1 was “Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day.”
Today, August 3, is “Chick-fil-A Kiss-In Day,” also known as “Kiss Mor Chiks.”
But Chick-fil-A itself had nothing to do with either of these official “Day”s. The first one, “Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day,” was announced by conservative candidate and talk-show host Mike Huckabee. The second one, “Kiss Mor Chiks,” was organized by progressive activist Carly McGehee. Neither one of these people has any official role in either the Chick-fil-A corporation nor in any established group opposed to Chick-fil-A. They’re both just…people.
Apparently, therefore, it is now acceptable for any random person to declare an official “Chick-fil-A _____ Day.”
So why not me? I’m random.
But here’s the problem:
• I’ve never eaten at Chick-fil-A.
• In fact, I’ve never even seen a Chick-fil-A.
• I actually thought it was pronounced “chick-filla” until about five days ago, as prior to that I had never heard anyone say the name out loud.
• I’m mostly a vegetarian (except at family reunions, where to be polite I’ll eat a few old-time recipes so as not to offend various aunties), so I wouldn’t eat at Chick-fil-A even if I had the opportunity, which I don’t, since there are no Chick-fil-As in my area.
• And in general, I just don’t give a damn about Chick-fil-A, its owner, or its owner’s opinion about marriage, one way or the other.
But how to express all these VERY IMPORTANT POINTS in my official “Chick-fil-A _____ Day”?
I hereby announce
Chick-fil-A Indifference Day
On Saturday, August 4, all across this great nation, I call upon Americans to express their complete indifference to Chick-fil-A and this entire non-scandal. Participants in Chick-fil-A Indifference Day are encouraged to have no opinion whatsoever about Chick-fil-A on Saturday, and to not really think about it at all, and to avoid eating there unless you’re driving by and feel a little hungry and wouldn’t mind a chicken sandwich, in which case you could eat there, but only for non-political reasons, and only if there wasn’t a better place next door.
Join us! Let waves of boredom and indifference about mind-numbing non-scandals wash across America. Our time has arrived! Stand up, speak out, and say nothing!