Look, I am close to an Afghan brother and sister who are in their thirties and who are very dear to me. This brother would as soon cut off his right hand as harm a single hair on his sister’s head. They are both thoroughly westernized, sophisticated, charming—and yet, in many ways, they remain “Afghans.” They are devoted to their parents, socialize inter-generationally with Afghan relatives—but they also go “clubbing” with non-Muslims who are closer to them in age. They are usually very upset when Muslims are blamed, hated, feared, and yet they are primarily citizens of the world.
This brother-sister couple grew up in the West from the time they were five years old. Hasibullah Sadiqi, who murdered his sister Khatera and her fiancée in cold blood, came to Canada when he was five months old. Why didn’t Hasibullah assimilate?
In reading all the newspaper coverage, there is one fact that towers above all others. Mr. Sadiqi, Hasibullah’s father, was a domestic tyrant, an abuser, a wife-beater: a daughter-abuser as well. This man, (whose name and fate I have not yet found), was so bad that his wife, Nasima Fayez, had to flee for her life.
In court, she described herself as “more open minded” than her husband.
But the close-minded monster held onto his “property,” his children. He did not allow them to see their mother for six long years. The (unspecified) paternal abuse “worsened.” In poor Khatera’s case, her father drove her to at least one suicide attempt and ultimately caused her to flee to her mother in Vancouver. Fayez sent tickets to all three children to join her. Her two daughters came. Hasibullah did not do so. In fact, Hasibullah tried to have Khatera return to their abusive father.
One can only speculate as to why Hasibullah did not break with his father. Perhaps his father treated him differently, better, because he was a son, not a mere daughter. Perhaps Mr. Sadiqi humiliated and beat Hasibullah as well, turned him into his personal servant too– but nevertheless, he became Hasibullah’s male role model.
In the Dallas honor killings of Sarah and Amina Said, their brother, Islam, cleaved to his father, agreed with him, stalked his two sisters on his father’s behalf and on behalf of the family’s “honor.”
Likewise, Hasibullah became his father’s eventual enforcer and avenger. He rejected his mothers’ version of reality: “Don’t talk to me about my dad like that.” His mother wept.
Please remember that, in 1989, Marc Lepine, who mass-murdered fourteen female engineering students in the Ecole Polytechnic in Montreal, also had a wife-beating Algerian father. This fact, which I found crucial, was completely ignored by the police and by all those who wrote about this tragedy. The police saw this as the isolated act of a madman.
Lepine was born Gamile Rodrigue Gharbi to an Algerian Muslim father and a French Canadian mother who had formerly been a nun. Lepine’s father, Liess Gharbi, physically and psychologically brutalized his wife and son. He probably taught his son that women are chattel property who deserve to be beaten even when they are obedient—perhaps murdered when they are not. Perhaps Gharbi/Lepine scapegoated women for the considerable crimes of his father.
If we allow violent men to live with and rear children, we will inherit that old whirlwind. The daughters of violent, domestic tyrants will marry violent men, thus condemning their children to a similar fate; they have been “seasoned,” prepped to do so. The sons of violent men–father humiliated sons–will become violent men themselves: wife-beaters and child abusers, both verbally, physically, and perhaps sexually.
This is true for any family in the world. We certainly have violent fathers in the West. And yet, Arab, North African, and Muslim fathers have not, traditionally, been viewed as “sick” or treated as “criminals” if they routinely beat or rape their wives or cruelly tyrannize their children.
Somehow, this must change. If not—nothing else will.
Phyllis, I believe you are on to the key issue. Because the female/mother is so devalued and the baby son is held in a fusion to her, the father must be the vehicle by which the son attempts to separate from his mother – prided loose from the maternal fusion. Identification with the aggressor father is at the core to fend off become ‘female’ like the mother.It also has that terrible edge of — scapegoating to avoid the paternal rage turning full force on to the son.
Why are Jews relatively likely to be successful? Becuase Jewish parents are relatively likely to be lenient. Jewish children, frequently, are allowed to talk back to their parents and argue with them.
Thanks Phyllis, interesting alternatives.
1) While different psychological theories about why this horrible act of double murder occurred, could shed light on its nature, the question continues to be whether we face an “honor killing”, an act that occurs often in Islamic societies that abet this cruel deed.
2) The answer, in my opinion, is yes, this is an honor killing, the likes of which happen probably daily in Islamic countries such as Pakistan, Afghanistan, Sudan, and Iraq, with little or no punishment for the culprits.
3) Likes begets like. This is paramount in abusive relationships. Birds of the same feather, flock together. The circle of violence and abuse perpetuates itself.
4) However, let’s not run the risk of divesting this crime from its nurturing atmosphere, by comparing it to other similar in result but not in context; let’s not fall in the same trap, purposely or not, of those who would ascribe to this deed a universal nature, for it is a fact that brothers do not kill sisters and their fiancees in this part of the world in this manner, but perhaps would punish the fiancee if the sister was “dishonored” by the former. The context here is Islam, Sharia Law, and more importantly, the unhealthy system that surrounds the “Hijab”, the Burqa and the subjugation and abuse of women as second-class citizens under Islam.
Yes but that’s different. You forget the default position. It’s all our fault in the first place.
Maybe it’s time, Phyllis, to set up an emergency hotline for threatened Muslim girls to call up when they need support and protection, and a place where teachers or phycicians can alert helpers when they suspect such abuse or threat in an imminent way.
No use waiting for the refugee communities themselves to do the initital organization, though they can be invited to participate once the programme is underway.
This would need to be an organization that operates in all the main centres where Muslims live, if not with actual offices and places of protection, then at least with on-the-spot individuals to dirtect the women who feel threatened where to get help and to pass the word on to the personnell/ specialists who could assess the situation and decide whether the potential or actual victims need to be brought out of the danger zone or protectors flown in to offer assistance and guidance.
Who would be willing to help set this up?
Norman
Since Islam is devoted to violently denying they are violent, at the same time as being victims, you can’t get anywhere by speaking the truth to them. The practice of polygamy could be openly criticized.
Our home-grown polygamists in Eldorado, TX descended into a brutal cult where husbands abused women and children. By the age of 17, two thirds of the boys were missing, whereas the infants were about equal in number. A culture that must rid itself of extra men is necessarily violent.
Yet, you rarely hear professional analysis of the implications of systemic polygamy (not the Hugh Hefner variety).
“Why are Jews relatively likely to be successful? Because Jewish parents are relatively likely to be lenient. Jewish children, frequently, are allowed to talk back to their parents and argue with them.”
Come on George, you serious? You got some chutzpah. Is this a Freudian slip of the tongue? Well, I guess you should know, and now I know why I ain’t successful ’cause I could rarely talk back to my father, wow, you always learn somepin’ new.
However, Eric Hoffer, who was born in Shtetl Brooklyn, Jew York City, had a different though quite interesting idea why Jews are so successful, as attested by that infamous (remember?) book from the early 1990s “The Bell Curve”, that found Jews way ahead in IQ of all the “white” dudes in US, just a little behind the chinks, japs, and even charlie, but well ahead of Wops or guineas, polacken, spics, UND GESINDEL.
Wrote Herr Hoffer, in “The True Believer”, page 44:
“The Jew also crowded the roads leading to palliative of frustration, such as hustling and migration. He also threw himself into a passionate effort to prove his individual worth by material achievement and creative work…”
Now, Hoffer was more Adlerian than Freudian, but accounting for Nobel prizes, for example, no other racial or self-identifying group in the world has a higher percentage of laureates.
Mr. Jochnowitz seems to be mixing a few things up. In the generations that immigrated to the US and Canada when life in Eastern Europe was still pretty traditional, talking back and arguing were not encouraged behaviors. Restrictions were imposed on children. There may have been some flexibility, because to a certain extent there was flexibility built into the law, Jewish law, and the way it was implimented. You’d have to dig a lot deeper into the customs, and prevailing ideas of each group. My youngest aunt wanted to marry before her older sisters. My grandfather wouldn’t allow it. So, she waited. She accepted his authority, even though there was no threat of violence. The fact that I, born years later, knew about it, indicates that she and her sisters had not liked the idea and were still talking about it.
Yes, any time you have a daughter who is not loved and instead, victomized for a long period of time as many different forms of abuse can and usually are done.
Maybe for starters for the sake of many grown woman conveying in adulthood what had been done even from their first memories of life and realizing many years later after having more understanding and wisdom with years that their was nothing they could have changed to recieve the love they so desparately sought as it began with not being born a boy.
This holds true for many cultures and therefore a Mother who does not know how to stand up for her own sex, subjects her own daughter{s} to unbelievable abuse but is afraid herself of doing anything that could also harm her and so goes the cycle. If the female wanting exceptance and love might not know how vulernable she loks and in turn find the same type of man who will cause further harm to her over and over until she realizes if she ever does that this is happening in cycles. Different people but the same occurance. Many women settle and just remain in abuse not knowing any different and most do not cry out until it is nearly too late.
I have personally met many of the women I am describing. Undefined self destruction, depression and the grasping for life. Often in her search not having the self worth to meet healthy men she will continue to attract the worst type of men when these type of women are usually very good and kind hearted woman. They somehow seem to think that they deserve this after awhile while no one helps them and will take this out on themselves in various ways.
In our culture we have a strong denial that this really goes on as often as it does behind closed doors and we sterotype these woman as weak or mentally ill if they speak out about a real problem unless they have been fortunate to find another person who will really want to help them, however this is not often enough and it usually takes her being sent to the emergancy room or something drastic before something is done and this is done with extreame judgement by most of the culture outside. Again denial. a woman such as this is seen as weak and easy prey to the men looking for another victom many as many abusive men look for their vulernabile and nice women to convience they will finally be cared about which is what this woman is actually looking for but will not find without healing and help.
In conclution, until we can teach our female counterparts to gain self worth this will continue breaking down family structures in our families (Yours and mine)
You say you raally care and want to help? Reality? and not just saying this to yourself after reading about this tragedy?
If anyone sees the sign of this happening to any woman we should all stand in the gap one person at a time this means the reader and it should feel like our obligation to do something especially if we have have not had to go through this ourselves or even if we have.We must try to help and not just let this opportunity pass to do something good for a large segment of our own female population. If not you will continue reading articles like this one and the only thing that will change will be the numbers as they will be going Up without your help.
The statitics have spoken loud and clear that a high percentage of women even in our own country have been victom to many forms of horrible ongoing abuses that must stop and not be brushed under the carpet. No one else can fix such an epidomic without help from all women to start with and the males that love and care for us.
Let us start with our own country our own towns and cities for all of the millions of women in bondage but too afraid to speak and hide this from everyone they know not to be set apart and rejected.
Let us begin to heal what has not been fully acknowledged and help all cultures of women hurt by this evil and unjust mostly silent victomization. Start with the courage to look in our own homes and the places we go to.
Healing starts with each of us and an article like this should make all of us especially other females to look at this and want it these attacks of abuse toward females to stop for all time no matter if they are from here or elsewhere in the world, it is still evil. Take inventory of yourself and let it begin with us first.
Thank You for letting me share. Let their deaths not just be a statetic but rather fuel to bein to stop these horrors.
If you want to know some ways how you can help please feel free to contact me at: urworthacoach@yahoo.com
The Talmud is a series of arguments, some of which are not resolved. Although the arguments take place among rabbis, they are essentially arguments with God. Many of the harsh laws in the Torah are made unenforceable in the Talmud.
As far as Jewish immigrant families are concerned, their children may have been obedient, but they weren’t silent. My own parents were immigrants who arrived in the USA in their 20s. They were very controlling, but I always had freedom of speech.
it’s too complicated for us to understand where mental illness and culture divurge because of our extreme denial we call political correctness, which precludes us from having a mental health initiative that calls them crazy. western culture came through the tunnel of medieval thought into the enlightenment. presuming other cultures did as well is make believe, a fairy story, and imagining that one is not better than the other is another tale told by idiots.
these horrific murders and the constant spewing of hatred and bizarre practices are an anathema to our civilization, and it is changing our culture. every day we read about something more heinous than the day before and the day before that.
if we have become Rome, i lay the blame for this at the feet of mr. obama and his following. and to place it properly, mr. bush, whose cronies sought to crush the spirit and enterprise of middle class aspirations, can lay the wreath.
i totally agree with your oberservation of Mr. Sadiqi father…
Hasibullah model himself after his abusive equally disturb father and stubbornly refused to find out why his sister hated his father too much, always defended him, and ultimately committed a cruel act under the shadow of ”provocation” that somehow both the victims put the gun in his hand and told him to shoot them… after a night of the movie and dinner, he give them a surprise of a life time, he did what he wanted to do all along, regardless what the poor victim had said or done….. i hope he gets first degree sentence, we feel no sympathy for this lunetic…
Meh, more man-hating.
What about the children raised by abusive single mothers, who are fed with hate for the fathers driven out by selfish women and a sexist legal system? They are also violent.
I’d be more sympathetic to your cause if you weren’t such a misandrist.
Oh please evil pundit, I am one of those abused by “a man hating mommy”. Guess what? I don’t hate women, nor do I abuse them or anyone, never inflicted one iota of harm on my daughters. I worked on being a good parent and took the harder uphill road but it was so worth it.
WHY? Because, after escaping from her, I found the right people who were able to help me face the truth of what damage I could inflict upon my children if I didn’t address the effects of a psycho-mom on me.
Thankfully I am not my mother, and that is as important as the knowledge that my daughters are not me. I don’t live vicariously through them and I consider that a great achievement.
Do you realize that our “westernized” society allowed me to access the information and professionals to make that vital change to heal myself? I “chose” not to remain ignorant, or in “victim mode” and was “able” to turn to the people who could help, both men and woman, I am grateful.
Sadly my siblings didn’t, result: estranged from their children, children already in trouble with the law, not finishing high school and one sib suicided.
I don’t want our society to step backwards on this in regards to “honor killing women” given a pass due to the culture trump card, but that’s how I’m seeing it going.
Besides the sentences are lame enough already for murdered women in this country, CAN. Three years for killing your wife because you were drunk or get completely off if the argument gets very heated and the man didn’t walk away instead bashed her head in, then getting a pass, claiming “I was provoked beyond reason”!
Or hey, my fav, that “so called” judge in BC who allowed a pedophile to claim as his defense, that a two or three-year-old female child deserved to be sexually molested because she was touching the grown mans pants zipper and he had no control over that. Gee guess she should have known better eh?
Pfff!