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These Last 2 Healthy Eating Horror Stories Are the Most Shocking Satires Of All…

Check out these final two submissions in Liberty Island's April writing contest.

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Liberty Island

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May 8, 2014 - 9:00 am
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From “The Good Hood Fairy” by Jack July: “For the rest of the night till early in the morning, they baked pan after pan of biscuits, until the final pan was fluffy and mouth watering. LaQuisha was proud. Then the Fairy said, “Oh, honey, we ain’t done yet.”
Once again the wand was waved and the chant spoken. Sausage appeared, along with a cast iron pan. “Baby, it’s time to make some sausage gravy.”

Recently it came to our attention that the U.S. Department of Agriculture has been dabbling in literature. In a clear sign that its 100,000 employees have far too little to do, the sprawling federal agency has issued a nauseating children’s book called “The Two Bite Club,” in which a mother cat and her adorable kittens Will and Anna learn to make federally-approved healthy food choices. According to the USDA website: “Parents or caregivers read the book to children and encourage them to try foods from each food group by eating just two bites, just like the characters in the story.”

The PDF is available here: try not to gag on your broccoli.

Naturally we viewed this as a sinister intrusion of federal power into the sphere of family life and a gross infringement on our freedom to eat Pop Tarts for breakfast and snack on salt and vinegar-flavored potato chips while catching up on Game of Thrones. American patriots bled and died to ensure these sacred freedoms. So we resisted in the only way available to us: we asked our community of writers to sharpen their pens and write their own brief satirical stories. Take that, USDA!

The hilarious results began with with a trio of takeoffs on the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears Monday3 Nanny State-Approved Bedtime Stories For Your Little Community Organizers Tuesday, and 3 more satires led by The Emperor’s New Accomplishments by Frank J. Fleming on Wednesday.

Enjoy!

Once upon a time there was a girl named LaQuisha who lived in the ghetto outside of Philadelphia. She was watching TV and smiling while imagining her life as a character in an episode of the Cosby show. Her little brother was in bed and her Momma wouldn’t be home from the factory till morning. As she reached for her glass of green Kool-Aid, shots rang out from somewhere outside. She dove to the floor like her Momma taught her spilling her Kool-Aid.

2. Abuela’s Healthy Porridge by George Tobin

Ernesto and Herve laughed and held hands on the way to the house ofthe kind old woman they called “Abuela” or “Granny.” Today the growing darkness from the North seemed far away. Today was made for celebrating with whole grains and organic fruits. Today they had no concerns but to enjoy being young, Sandinista and gay.

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image via shutterstock / RoJo Images

Once upon a time the mainstream culture was conservative and the so-called counterculture was left wing. Today the situation is reversed and a new counterculture has arisen, one that boldly challenges the cynicism, nihilism, and stifling political correctness of popular culture today. Our mission is to support this raw and untamed counterculture by gathering its creators in one place and providing the tools and resources they need to succeed. Here they can present their latest works, interact with colleagues, and connect with a likeminded audience. At Liberty Island, readers of a conservative or libertarian bent can find fiction, music, video and graphics that reflect their social values and political beliefs -- and readers of all persuasions can find new voices and undiscovered talent. Writers and creators you've never heard of, and won't find anywhere else, because their views have been excluded from the mainstream popular culture. Think of Liberty Island as a rallying point for a revolt against conformity and groupthink. We aim to be the missing link in a cultural feeder system that has systematically marginalized those who did not go to the right schools, attend the proper writing programs, or toe the correct ideological line. At Liberty Island, good still triumphs over evil, hope still overcomes despair, and America is still a noble experiment and a beacon to the rest of the world. What is Liberty Island? An imaginative colony. A playground for the mind. A place where your right brain is allowed to run free. Join us! Like Plymouth, Jamestown, or Ellis Island in its heyday, Liberty Island is open for business.

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