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3 Nanny State-Approved Bedtime Stories For Your Little Community Organizers

Check out more of the clever stories submitted in Liberty Island’s April writing contest. The war on cookies has begun...

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Liberty Island

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May 6, 2014 - 9:00 am
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From Dean Anderson’s submission to the contest: “Hillary and Makayla organized kids to protest at the Boys and Girls Club with signs like, ‘Kids deserve healthy food!’ and ‘Cookies = Cigarettes.’”

Recently it came to our attention that the U.S. Department of Agriculture has been dabbling in literature. In a clear sign that its 100,000 employees have far too little to do, the sprawling federal agency has issued a nauseating children’s book called “The Two Bite Club,” in which a mother cat and her adorable kittens Will and Anna learn to make federally-approved healthy food choices. According to the USDA website: “Parents or caregivers read the book to children and encourage them to try foods from each food group by eating just two bites, just like the characters in the story.”

The PDF is available here: try not to gag on your broccoli.

Naturally we viewed this as a sinister intrusion of federal power into the sphere of family life and a gross infringement on our freedom to eat Pop Tarts for breakfast and snack on salt and vinegar-flavored potato chips while catching up on Game of Thrones. American patriots bled and died to ensure these sacred freedoms. So we resisted in the only way available to us: we asked our community of writers to sharpen their pens and write their own brief satirical stories. Take that, USDA!

The hilarious results are being published over the course of a week, starting with a trio of takeoffs on the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears yesterday. Enjoy! And be sure to check back tomorrow for the next batch of stories.

1. Hillary Steinem: Kid Community Organizer and Detective by Dean Anderson

Knock, knock! There was a knock on the club house door. Hillary and Makayla were studying in the clubhouse Hillary’s Grandma Betty had built for her. (When Grandma Betty built the clubhouse, she made sure to follow all of the appropriate city codes and filed for all of the appropriate permits.) Hillary opened the door to see it was Billy! Billy was taking a big bite out of a very large cookie.

2. The Obedient Courage and Open-Mindedness of Healthy Herbie by Erich Forschler

Healthy Herbie and his neighbor, Selfish Face, played together in the backyard sandbox at Selfish Face’s house. “I’m gonna make a castle and then the knights are gonna have a war!” Selfish Face exclaimed. His eyes shimmered with racist hatred as he filled a small plastic bucket with sand.

3. John Henry Goes to Washington DC by Nick D’Orazio

GRANDDAUGHTER: Did Big John fight the steam drill?

GRANDFATHER: No he didn’t. He marched right up to the government and asked for unemployment. And you know what? He got it too! Because big John Henry was the best there ever was at getting things.

*****

image illustration via shutterstock /  alexsvirid

Once upon a time the mainstream culture was conservative and the so-called counterculture was left wing. Today the situation is reversed and a new counterculture has arisen, one that boldly challenges the cynicism, nihilism, and stifling political correctness of popular culture today. Our mission is to support this raw and untamed counterculture by gathering its creators in one place and providing the tools and resources they need to succeed. Here they can present their latest works, interact with colleagues, and connect with a likeminded audience. At Liberty Island, readers of a conservative or libertarian bent can find fiction, music, video and graphics that reflect their social values and political beliefs -- and readers of all persuasions can find new voices and undiscovered talent. Writers and creators you've never heard of, and won't find anywhere else, because their views have been excluded from the mainstream popular culture. Think of Liberty Island as a rallying point for a revolt against conformity and groupthink. We aim to be the missing link in a cultural feeder system that has systematically marginalized those who did not go to the right schools, attend the proper writing programs, or toe the correct ideological line. At Liberty Island, good still triumphs over evil, hope still overcomes despair, and America is still a noble experiment and a beacon to the rest of the world. What is Liberty Island? An imaginative colony. A playground for the mind. A place where your right brain is allowed to run free. Join us! Like Plymouth, Jamestown, or Ellis Island in its heyday, Liberty Island is open for business.

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Typo; PV should be PC.
19 weeks ago
19 weeks ago Link To Comment
Hey, there could be a market here for timely, PV kids' books. May I suggest: "Mommy's New Boyfriend", "We Hate Candy!", "I Have Brothers and Sisters All Over Town", etc.
19 weeks ago
19 weeks ago Link To Comment
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