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From the trailers, this week’s new thriller 2 Guns looks like a tasty new dish in the long buffet of fun action movies. But it doesn’t have all of the five things that would earn it the coveted title of “kick-ass.” Here’s a brief rundown of what every action flick that hopes to endure must have.

5) A genuine take-him-to-the-bank movie star. Preferably two.

Despite his shaky start, Mark Wahlberg did turn out to be a likeable, physical, often funny star, and Denzel Washington exudes star qualities. Both of these guys have the don’t-mess-with-me look. But sorry, Shia LaBeouf, your look is, “Please give me a wedgie and then stuff me in a locker.” Leonardo DiCaprio, your look is aging pretty boy. Jake Gyllenhaal, you can get as pumped up as you want but you still look more like a poet of Pasadena than the Prince of Persia. None of you looks like the guy I want standing behind me with his arms crossed calmly over his chest when I get into an argument with half a dozen Hell’s Angels in a roadhouse. An action-movie star has to have presence, like Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger or Jason Statham.