It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn that the court-mandated GPS ankle monitor isn't your friend, the most expensive way to enjoy a free meal at Wendy's, and that what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida (Wo)Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Woman Says Officer Is “Affecting My Entire Aura” Before DUI Arrest
The first sign of trouble was when Florida Woman was told to sit, but seemed a little confused by the instruction and even more so by the presence of a curb where she might take a seat.
I'm kidding, of course — the first sign of trouble was her car in the tree.
No, not really. It was her blasting through a red light and hitting another car.
It's a long video, but the whole "What is this curb I see before me?" moment is at around the one minute mark, and it alone is worth the price of admission.
But of course there's more: "As officers investigated the incident in the parking area, the woman repeatedly disputed their questions and challenged the procedures used to assess her sobriety. She accused the investigating officer of attempting to influence the results, requested that another person witness the exercises, and later asked for a different officer to conduct the evaluation."
The best part? The poor cop had to explain to her how to stand on one leg for the field sobriety test and said, "You are affecting my entire aura right now."
"Ma'am," the cop should have said, "your aura is Miller Lite and cheap tequila."
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Legal Scholar, Vehicular Madness, Make Your Own Drive-Thru, Police Bodycam, Drugs/Alcohol, Should Have Taken the L, and a Bonus Point for her eye-watering aura. (7)
TOTAL: 7 FMF Points.
There's Stupid and Then There's This Guy
Florida Man Who Steals Porsche, Forgot He Was Wearing a GPS Ankle Monitor
Our story begins with Florida Man, age 19, crashing a rented Kia into a mail truck, trying to hide from police in another mail truck, then attempting to flee in an Uber. All that was in January, and Florida Man's little adventure cost him two months in jail and a GPS ankle monitor in March.
So jot this one down in your Criminal Mastermind notebook: Given enough time, it's possible to get used to anything, including a GPS ankle monitor. Because Florida Man was still wearing his when he and some buddies first broke into a Cadillac Escalade, before he decided to have some real fun and steal a $210,000 Porsche Panamera from a nearby mansion.
Florida Man ditched the Porsche pretty quickly, but not the ankle monitor. Or the police.
This time, he's being held without bond.
SCORE: Out on Bond, Ankle Monitor, Recidivism, Crime Spree, Vehicular Madness (I have to count the crashed Kia from January that got this ball rolling), Criminal Mastermind, Getting Caught Stupidly, Hold My Beer, Dillhole, F for Effort. (10)
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: So That Happened
How Can It Be Counterfeit When It Ain't Even Real?
Florida Men after trying to spend movie prop money at local fast food restaurants
My wife bought a bunch of prop money for our Roaring Twenties-themed New Year's party a few years ago, and the stuff looks like something you can get a thousand units of for $30 on Amazon. And it feels even cheaper. Then there's the part where the bills are printed with the words "FOR MOTION PICTURE PURPOSES."
You'd have as much luck passing it off for real as skydiving without a parachute for the second time.
Somehow, Florida Men never figured that out.
"Ooooh, we can get ten thousand dollars for six bucks! It's the perfect crime!"
And what did Florida Men — ages 19, 19, and 20 which is still no excuse — do with their fake money?
They went to some fast-food places to score some free food. Dream big!
The McDonald's cashier refused to take the funny money, then warned the KFC next door when he saw them try their luck at the Colonel's drive-thru.
They had better luck at Wendy's — it's hard to get good help these days — but police caught up with them anyway.
But wait: "Ironically, deputies also found a bag belonging to Florida Man #1 at his feet that contained $1,271.92 in legitimate U.S. currency," which I'm sure they got legitimately. Or not.
The point though is they got busted on four felony counts of uttering a forged instrument, just for some Wendy's.
SCORE: Drive-Thru Mayhem, Criminal Mastermind, Entrepreneurship, Getting Caught Stupidly, The Villages, Dillhole (times three), Glamor Mugshot (times three). (11)
RUNNING TOTAL: 28 FMF Points
It's shaping up to be another big week, isn't it?
Bonus Florida Headline: The Villages needs a 30-day moratorium on decorating golf carts and wearing political attire
We all need that, buddy. All of us.
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Deputies arrest naked Florida Man accused of breaking into home
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're minding your own business smoking a bunch of meth and trying to figure out what to do naked when you start wandering around the neighborhood when you find this muddy creek which seems like a nice place to take off everything but your hat and shoes then you wander some more until you find this empty house that looks like it has some nice stuff in it you might want to be around without any clothes on so you go to the back porch and you leave your hat and your shoes and your cellphone by the door then break right on in and it's just so nice to be in there all naked but then that gets boring so you wander upstairs to the bathroom and wrap a towel around yourself but it turns out these people got one of those Ring cameras that sent the husband an alert that there's a naked guy which is you because when you walk downstairs in their towel there's these two guys waiting for you and one of them is the homeowner and it turns out he's also a cop so these guys hold you at gunpoint and when the cops get there you're all like "the guy's old parents let me in and then they left" and the guy is like "my parents don't even live in this town" so then you're sitting in jail but it sure was nice of the cops to find your clothes for you?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Trespassing, Recidivism (the story doesn't say but c'mon), Surveillance Video, Getting Caught Stupidly, Likely Story, Drugs/Alcohol, Public Nudity, Way to Take the L, Glamor Mugshot. (9)
RUNNING TOTAL: 37 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida Man Assists With Rescue Of Elderly Neighbor, Dog During Intense Florida Flash Flooding
That's right: Florida Man didn't just help rescue his elderly neighbor from flash floodwaters; he also helped save the dog.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, Good Dog, Caught on Video, Went Viral, Water Hazard, Really Bad Weather. (8)
RUNNING TOTAL: 45 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Finally, a Genuine Man-Bites-Dog Story
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 45 points for an impressive average of nine FMF points.
Meanwhile, in Las Vegas...
Canadian tourist accused of stealing flamingo from Las Vegas Strip says he drank up to 40 beers before pulling off heist https://t.co/CK579yuGVX https://t.co/ucStQHmebV
— New York Post (@nypost) October 18, 2026
Canada, man.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Ed Morrissey at 4 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
So. Much. Day drinking.
