It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn how not to pick up women at Lowe's, all about proper rodeo etiquette, and why Wyoming has the coolest nine-year-old in the world.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man accused of trying to run woman over with horse at Marion County rodeo
There's a headline you don't see very often.
So Florida Woman might or might not have tried to spit on Florida Man while he was on horseback at a rodeo. I assume he was one of the performers or contestants or whatever, but I haven't been to a rodeo since I was a kid, and I honestly don't remember if they let spectators bring their own horses. Maybe it's up to the venue.
Anyway.
That's when Florida Man splashed his beer on Florida Woman, and might or might not have tried to run her over with his horse. She says he did; he says his horse was just very close to her.
I'm going to side with Florida Woman on this one, because Florida Man certainly acted like a man who just tried to run over a woman with a horse — or at least how I imagine one would act, because I've honestly never read a story before where somebody tried to run over somebody else with a horse.
Police stopped Florida Man as he tried to drive away from the rodeo, which is when he fled on foot, got into another car, and then tried to hide in the backseat when the cops searched that car, too.
Are these not the actions of a man who would try to run over someone with a horse?
I say yes, but all suspects are presumed innocent until found guilty by a jury of their peers. Or if they hurt a horse.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Horse Vehicular Madness, Drugs/Alcohol, Hold My Beer (almost literally this time), Hide & Seek, Fleeing the Scene, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Criminal Mastermind, Dillhole. (8)
TOTAL: 8 FMF Points.
Sometimes I Just Literally Can't Even
Spearman Busted For Exposing His Spear, Man
It's longstanding FMF policy not to use real names, but that Smoking Gun headline was just too good to resist.
So Florida Man was spending a lovely Tuesday in July the way so many of us do, approaching a strange woman at Lowe's and repeatedly asking if he could take pictures of her feet.
No? Is that more of a Thursday thing for you?
After declining repeatedly, Florida Woman finally agreed to take his phone number “in an effort to end the encounter and continue working," as she told the police. Florida Woman walked away, probably thinking she needed to disinfect her Contacts app after deleting "Weird Creepy Feet Guy."
That's when Florida Weird Creepy Feet Guy called out to her, and when she turned around, “intentionally exposed his flaccid penis” and declared, “Call me for some d***.”
After his inexplicable arrest, Florida Weird Creepy Foot And Penis Guy basically confirmed her entire account to the police.
Definitely more of a Thursday thing.
SCORE: Class Act, Élan, Public Nudity, Way to Take the L, Dillhole, Glamor Mugshot, and a bonus point to The Smoking Gun for the headline. (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Thursday Essay: We Need to Talk About 'The Odyssey'
Let the Sheriff Speak
Once again, Sheriff Grady Judd forces me to sit down, shut up, and let him tell the story his way.
SCORE: Burned by Grady, Police Chase, Good Dog, Drugs/Alcohol, Hide & Seek, Suspended License/Expired Tags, Resisting Arrest, Master of Disguise, Recidivism, Should Have Taken the L. (10)
RUNNING TOTAL: 25 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Walmart shopper arrested after shopping cart battle at store in The Villages
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Tinder "Sugar Baby" Deal Goes Really Sour
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you find a nice young lady on Tinder for a Sugar Daddy/Sugar Baby arrangement where you give her money and dinner and stuff in exchange for sex and you both pretend that she isn't hooking and you aren't a john and everything is going great including the part where you gave her $200 to spend on lingerie because she totally isn't hooking and you totally aren't a john which is why you give her another $600 at dinner so she can come back to your place later in a way that has nothing to do with paying for sex but then when you get back to your place she decides she really isn't hooking and calls her friends to come get her and she won't even give the money back so when they leave you hop in your truck and chase them down and ram into their car in a traffic circle so they crash into a pole which is when you circle back around and hit them again which is when the girl who totally wasn't hooking takes off with her two girlfriends but you point your .22 Ruger at the male friend and keep him there but then you get distracted and he takes off too and while you're looking around for them the police show up for whatever reason and arrest you even though you're the one who got ripped off for not being a john with the woman who wasn't hooking?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Class Act, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Vehicular Madness, Angry Nervous Hooker, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Should Have Taken the L, Glamor Mugshot. (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 32 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
71-Year-Old Florida Man Fights Off Alligator With Fishing Pole And Thumbs Its Eyes
Wow:
James Grayson McMicken said the attack happened on June 26 after he took his bulldog outside and made a single cast into a canal behind his North Fort Myers home.
"I started reeling, and it jumped out of the water and grabbed me," McMicken said, CBS 12 reported.
According to McMicken, the alligator bit his right leg and dragged him into the water.
"He rolled me down off the bank into the water. I stuck my thumb in one eye, and I just took that fishing pole and jabbed him in that other eye and jabbed him and jabbed him and jabbed him. It seemed like forever, but it wasn't that long. But then, he turned loose," he said.
McMicken said his previous experience legally hunting alligators helped him react during the attack.
But you'll love this next bit: "After escaping the alligator, McMicken said he still had to make it back to his house despite his injuries. He credited his bulldog with helping him reach safety."
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, The Elderly, Dangerous Wildlife, Water Hazard, Good Dog. (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 39 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: The Recreational Vehicle Is Not an Escape Vehicle
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 39 points for a big average of 7.8.
Meanwhile, in Wyoming...
When this kid is old enough, I want to buy him a beer. https://t.co/K7MSQXXa37
— Stephen Green (@VodkaPundit) July 24, 2026
11 is old enough, right? Maybe 10?
(Hat tip to Cliff Hanger for finding this one.)
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Ashley McCully at 4 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking. Except for Kruiser, who is currently on the wagon. Maybe Ashley and I will give him a little shove.
