It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn the freakiest way to rip off health insurers, yet another reason not to use Mugshots.com as a dating app, and how they're exiting the courtroom in Colorado these days.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
90 MPH Spin-Out Ends In Massive Meth Bust And Florida Duo Locked Up
No clue how this one ducked under my radar in March, but it just resurfaced at Mid Bay News, and Florida Man will not dodge FMF again.
Remember that time you were in your mid-30s, driving around with a 19-year-old girl in a Volkswagen full — and I mean full — of drugs? Also, maybe a loaded gun. And a bunch of drug sales paraphernalia. The best part, that stupid thing that just keeps coming up in one FMF after another, is that Florida Man was doing all this with a busted taillight.
So, of course, he caught a cop's attention.
Well, you can probably guess what happened next.
When the police flashed the lights to pull Florida Man over, he punched it instead. He got it up to 90, when — and I take it back, because this part is actually the best part — he almost immediately "lost control of the car, causing it to spin across the pavement. Deputies quickly moved in with a controlled stopping technique to pin the vehicle and prevent further danger to the public."
That's when Florida Man rolled down the window and tried to make his getaway on foot. But — and I take it back again because this is really the best part, I swear — he made it all of 10 feet before a deputy tackled him to the ground.
More:
A subsequent search of the Volkswagen turned up a significant haul of contraband, including 116.2 grams of methamphetamine and 3.9 grams of fentanyl. Investigators also seized a loaded firearm, various prescription narcotics—including Suboxone tablets and Buprenorphine patches—and a collection of scales and plastic bags.
I'd never even heard of Suboxone or Buprenorphine, but I gotta admit to being more than a little curious. I'll ask my doctor if the stuff Florida Man was found with is right for me.
This next bit won't surprise you at all, either: Florida Man is "no stranger to the Florida prison system. Records show he has served four separate sentences totaling over 11 years, with his most recent release occurring in November 2025." Now he's up on (gulp) 40 new charges.
But in his defense, he is still dating 19-year-olds.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Police Chase, Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Fleeing the Scene (however briefly!), Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Should Have Taken the L, Getting Caught Stupidly, Entrepreneurship, Face/Neck Tattoos, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot (times two). (12)
TOTAL: 12 FMF Points.
'I Can Fix Her!'
Florida Woman’s Mugshot Goes Viral and the Internet Wants to Save Her
As a member in good standing of the male of the species, let me preface this next report by reminding you that we're idiots. I mean, some of us still sell meth and hook up with 19-year-olds.
And some of us see a pretty girl's mugshot and do this:
“23 is a really good age to take age off the market. She has potential. She could be saved.” Another user added, “In the 2000s you would have never gotten a ticket for that,” while still another stated, “On my way to bail her out.”
And what did Florida Woman do? The charges against her "include attaching tags or license plates to an unregistered motor vehicle, lack of motor vehicle registration, and operation of a motor vehicle without a valid driver’s license."
So she didn't have a license or registration, but figured if she stole somebody else's tags, she wouldn't get caught for not having a license. Then she got caught anyway.
Go on, gentlemen, go on and try to save her. But I guarantee you one night she'll come at you with a stapler or an icepick or something.
And make you like it.
I get it, I really do.
SCORE: Went Viral, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Vehicular Madness, Suspended License/Expired Tags, Domestic Bliss (eventually, I promise), Glamor Mugshot, and a Demerit because not one of the news reports mentioned how she got caught. (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: The Trump Doctrine, Defined
It Isn't a Fetish Thing... I Don't Think
Florida Man guilty of health care fraud involving ‘foot baths’
Some people have a thing for feet. Other people have a thing against feet. Either way, I don't get it — I just try to keep my feet in good shoes during waking hours so I don't stub my toes too badly. I'd rather be barefoot, but klutzes must make certain accommodations.
Then there's this foot-bath kickback thing, and I get it even less:
Florida Man, 79, pleaded guilty to conspiracy to commit health care fraud and conspiracy to violate the anti-kickback statute.
According to U.S. Attorney Gerard M. Karam, between 2019 and 2020, seven suspects, including Florida Man, planned to commit healthcare fraud through an arrangement designed to bill people’s health insurance for unnecessary prescription drug combinations known as “foot baths.”
Officials explained that the foot bath scheme was claimed to be an antibiotic and antifungal “foot soak” treatment that patients would mix and dissolve in a warm water solution, using a plastic foot tub that was sometimes shipped to them.
Whatever the hell that is, Florida Man "admitted the health care fraud scheme generated over $700,000 in profits through the fake foot bath orders."
I can't even.
SCORE: Criminal Mastermind, The Elderly, Way to Take the L, Entrepreneurship, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes. (5)
RUNNING TOTAL: 24 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man arrested for swinging machete at milk crates
I bet those milk crates were asking for it.
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Man throws hot grease at woman, steals her car
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes when your woman is frying you up some steak and potatoes when you get into some argument about you don't even remember what but anyway things get so heated that you tear off her wig and smash up her TV which is when you remember the steak and potatoes on the stove because they smell so good but then you realize maybe she didn't fully understand the point you were conversing about so you grab the pan and hurl the steak and potatoes at her which seems like as good a time as any to be somewhere else which is why you grabbed her car keys and take off in her car but that crazy woman jumps up on the trunk and is hanging on for dear life so you're speeding up and hitting the brakes and speeding up and hitting the brakes until you finally manage to throw her off the car and she gets all this road rash and stuff but then later for some reason the cops show up at your place and arrest you and you're sitting there in jail wondering why you didn't just take the steak and potatoes.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Vehicular Madness, Fleeing the Scene, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Domestic Bliss, Dillhole. (6)
RUNNING TOTAL: 30 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Justice for Kids hosts hospital rappelling event for pediatric patients
This looks like so much fun:
First responders rappelled down the exterior of Joe DiMaggio Children’s Hospital as part of a “Be Your Own Hero” event organized by Justice for Kids, a division of Kelley Kronenberg, to uplift pediatric patients.
Police and fire personnel descended the hospital’s facade while patients watched from their rooms and the Child Life Zone, waving to the participants during the demonstration.
Justice for Kids hosted an indoor gathering following the display, where patients and their families met with first responders and took part in games and activities. Children also decorated superhero capes.
“Every child deserves to be empowered,” said Justin Grosz, co-founder of Justice for Kids.
Yeah, they do.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, another one for the capes because every kid needs their own superhero cape, and a Hold My Beer for rappelling down the side of a hospital. (5)
RUNNING TOTAL: 35 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Sir, This Is a Wendy's
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of FMF 35 points for another impressive average of exactly seven points.
And my apologies if I triggered any of you anti-feet people.
Meanwhile, Right Here in Colorado...
NEW: Colorado woman flees courtroom after receiving a 10-day jail sentence, then gets hit with 180 days
— Unlimited L's (@unlimited_ls) April 17, 2026
"Why am I going to jail? I didn’t agree to go to jail, bro…"
The woman who had just been sentenced for theft became combative and ran out of the courtroom through an… pic.twitter.com/0oAM8X8sql
I hereby nominate “I didn’t agree to go to jail, bro" as the most Florida Man Thing Ever Said Not Said by Florida Man.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
And on a personal note...
RIP, Remy Green. First of Her Name, Princess of Neck Flurff (that’s a word), Slayer of Bunnies, Chaser of Deer, Lover of Treats, Back Scritches, Ear Rubs, and Sunbeams (not necessarily in that order), and a big part of my small family for 13 wonderful years. pic.twitter.com/CIK10KEdIj
— Stephen Green (@VodkaPundit) April 17, 2026
Sweetest dog I ever knew. But seriously, when it came to bunnies, that girl had murder in her heart.
