Dear Ivy League Idiots: A Hunger Strike Means Not Eating

AP Photo/Charles Krupa

You and your neofascist Princeton Kameraden have been on a hunger strike for over a week to protest Israel's non-genocide of Gaza civilians and, after that long, s*** is about to get real, as they say. You're hungry and weak. Your immune system is beginning to become compromised. You've lost muscle mass.

But your devotion to the cause is so unbreakable that now seems like the right time to take a break from this silly hunger-striking stuff. It's time to get up out of bed, have a good meal, and turn the protest over to the next shift of kinda-sorta hunger strikers.

No, I'm not repeating satire from the Babylon Bee, and the new-and-unfunny Onion wouldn't dare come up with a story as ridiculous as the one I've just told. The good news, if you care to see it that way, is that my little story is exactly what's going on at Princeton with the school's Hamas-loving kinda-sorta hunger strikers.

I wouldn't have believed it, either, if I hadn't seen the flyer.

"In the tradition of rotary hunger strikes," AYFKM? That isn't a tradition. It isn't even a thing. It's a brand new phrase and as meaningless as it is ridiculous. 

I say it's brand new because a web search showed up just one (!!!) instance of anyone anywhere using that phrase. That someone was a Facebook user and, since I'm locked out of my Facebook account and have no plans to get it unlocked, that's as much as I can tell you about that.

There's a big difference between being willing to die for your cause and being merely inconvenienced. Like death, for starters. It's kind of a big deal. Permanent, even. You'd think Ivy League kids would know this. Or at least know how to look it up.

I'm not dismissing the agony of going 10 days without food. Earlier this year I looked into intermittent fasting to help with these last three pounds I can't seem to shake, and when I figured out how late I'd have to eat breakfast — 10:30 in the morning! — to account for a 6:30 dinner time, I said, "Oh, hell no."

I'll finish with a brief bit of advice for the rotary hunger strikers of Princeton. If you're going to make a spectacle of yourself and inconvenience people for a questionable cause, at least do it with as much style as this guy.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to have lunch.

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