You know how sometimes you're doing a perfectly safe 73 MPH in a 35 zone past a strip mall and suddenly the police pull you over for no good reason even though you're a deputy district attorney?
Yeah, me either.
But that's exactly what happened to Clark County Deputy D.A. Kayla Farzaneh-Simmons in Spring Valley a couple of miles away from the Vegas Strip last week. According to several reports, a Vegas Metro Police DUI unit witnessed Farzaneh-Simmons driving her white Kia SUV — you would think a deputy DA would know how easy those are to steal — traveling at "a high rate of speed" west on Sunset.
Going interstate speeds past a strip mall is fast, yes. Once he had pulled Farzaneh-Simmons over, the officer's training kicked in and he quickly took note of her "watery and slightly bloodshot eyes" and "slightly slurred speech." The report also said the Kia reeked of booze, but I imagine it was more than just the car and required zero training to detect.
Farzaneh-Simmons claimed to have had "not much at all" to drink but "appeared to almost fall" and required help getting back into her car (!!!) after refusing a field sobriety test.
Last night I asked my bartender to make me a Farzaneh-Simmons and he filled a goldfish bowl with equal parts Montezuma Silver tequila and Baja Bob's sugar-free margarita mix. Then he stirred in a handful of ice and my car key.
"I am not that drunk, I promise,” she assured the arresting officer.
The Daily Mail chose to describe Farzaneh-Simmons as "glamorous" because that's their word for being stumbling drunk and nearly getting people killed while having great hair.
Of all the reports I read about Farzaneh-Simmons's arrest, not one mentioned how her three passengers reacted to seeing their driver stumble out of the car after doing 73 past an In-and-Out Burger. If I had to guess, they were probably craving fries and a milkshake.
There is, of course, more to this otherwise silly column than laughing at someone else's self-inflicted misfortune.
Whether they're police who carry guns (and the authority to use deadly force when required) or district attorneys who have the power to ruin someone's life, guilty or innocent, by filing legal charges against them, we hold officers of the law to a higher standard.
Because we have to. Or at least we're supposed to. I think we often try to do our best but that isn't always enough.
Farzaneh-Simmons had her blood tested the night of her arrest and, judging by her behavior and her subsequent arrest on two misdemeanor charges, it's safe to assume her blood alcohol count was probably somewhere near the same neighborhood as her speeding — double the legal limit.
A Clark County spokesperson told Fox 5 Vegas News last week that Farzaneh-Simmons "is still employed by the county." The question is, will she still be employed by the county once she's convicted of, or pleads guilty to, her two misdemeanor charges? Will she face at least some kind of disciplinary action?
If I were being prosecuted by a Clark County deputy district attorney — or worse, if I were the victim of a crime in Clark County — I would want to know that the person prosecuting the case had enough respect for the law to get the job done correctly.
Do they still understand that kind of thing in Las Vegas? I guess we're about to find out.