What happens when your favorite drunkblogger gets a couple of cocktails in him, decides to try his hand at writing the way Democratic nominee-apparent Joe Biden speaks — and then posts the results to Facebook?
Before we get to that, what I did was to take a couple of Biden’s recent, genuine examples of projectile word vomit, mix them up with a few of his greatest hits from yesteryear, shake them gently over ice, gin, and vermouth, and then garnish with a sleepy-looking photo of the former Veep.
Here’s what happened when I strained all that into a martini glass:
During the Vietnam War, the world war, we had a Democrat as president, the guy, you know, I shouldn’t tell you. And the deal he had, he made, with the, it was important. And decent. Not like today, when we can’t fly our sons to China to do the things, the things Trump won’t, won’t, won’t, the collusion from when that time I sat with that guy on the phone and he couldn’t see his kids. So he hammered, he said, the guy, this is where I gotta be for the kids. And they knock on the door, knock, knock, like we did that time. And the president, the Democrat, Bobby, the guy, he had the stuff, man, the good stuff from that time we had. Now I don’t know, I don’t can’t know, what he said that time, that time, but we stood together then because the War Power Production Act, you know. The deal, that Trump can’t do like I did when I was there, closing the border with China, the flights when I stood up to the NRA, I beat them twice, man. Only one to take them twice. We had a, you know, under the President Obama, my Barack, the, the, the, friend thing, we had. And it was good. Decent. My son Beau, I mean… Beau, Hunter. We did a thing that time, with the Covid, the Covid Nine or what have you. And back then the people would tell me, they would say, they said, we can’t do that. You know, the thing. But forget that, I shouldn’t say more about that anymore. The point I’m making here, the second thing, the thing I said, that’s what counts, what Trump can’t do because I was there, man, I was the deal. Like Barack, my friend the president said.
Really, the only thing wrong with what I wrote is that I didn’t think to work in the classic Leg Hair Story. What I got right was… pretty much everything, if Facebook reactions are anything to go by.
Although I didn’t start with a point when I wrote this thing after a couple of pre-dinner cocktails, people’s reactions quickly became the point. At first, I was a bit surprised to read things like, “Is this real? Can you send me a source?” and “What is this from? Link?”
To be fair, most people who know my deep love of the absurd got the joke right away. My favorite reaction was, “You know, right about now, critics are fact-checking this brilliance.” It’s my favorite because it’s true, except perhaps for the “brilliance” part. Trust me when I tell you it takes no special brilliance to write the way Biden speaks. Although it was hard not to beam a little when one friend told me this was “When art becomes reality.” Another FB commenter joined in the fun with this: “I felt my brain, the thing we all have, melting, soft, spongy, while reading that, the thing, that he said, that time, with the mushrooms, with Barack, with President Mushroom.”
Sooth.
But other reactions in my original thread included concerns like “His handlers should be jailed. This is elder abuse.” And, “I can’t even figure out what he’s TRYING to say!” One FB friend posted that “I work with clients with dementia. That is dementia. A vote for Joe is a vote for God only knows who.”
The point isn’t that I fooled anyone. Sometimes I like to write silly stuff that isn’t a good fit for PJMedia but which amuses me (sometimes only me) enough that I feel the need to share it. So I post stuff like this to Facebook, never expecting anyone to take it seriously.
And yet, one friend got back to me almost immediately, saying, “Please tell me that is not a direct transcription of what he said.” I replied at once, explaining that I was just having a little fun, to which they replied: “It’s rather frightening that, well, that it COULD have been a direct quote.”
Indeed. Take a guy who reads the news for a living, get him comfy on the sofa and a couple of martinis in his bloodstream, have him try to out-Biden Biden, and the results are…
…totally believable, or at least nearly so, to a number of people greater than zero.
The worst part, the reason I’m sharing this with you, is that Joe Biden has a greater-than-zero chance of being the next president of the United States. That is absolutely absurd, but not the kind of absurd you get to laugh at. It’s the kind of absurd that drives you to drink.
Make mine a double.
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