It's Florida Man Friday

Florida Man and Florida Woman are America’s real-life supervillain duo, and here are the honors they’ve recently earned.

Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)

Oh, #Florida! Man steals car in Sarasota, somehow winds up in New York naked in a chicken coop. https://t.co/hoxBUgJCL5

— Craig Pittman (@craigtimes) June 6, 2019

The linked report claims that “police say he was acting erratic,” but I say let those among us who has not been arrested after stealing a car, waking up the next day in another state, naked, in a chicken coop, cast the first stone.

And This Week’s Chutzpah Award

Florida man calls 911 to brag after fleeing traffic stop: ‘Like what do we pay you guys for?’ https://t.co/ZxhGqTziR5 pic.twitter.com/PcH5Yxs5DD

— First Coast News (@FCN2go) May 29, 2019

Sometimes, Florida Man acts as though he thinks he’ll never get arrested again, which seems… unwise.

Commodore Florida Man Runs a Tight Ship

Florida Man fishing boat captain holds passengers hostage, does coke, drinks beers, knocks back rum, fires off 9mm & allegedly told them “I’m going to put a bullet in each one of your heads" while out at sea 🔥🔥https://t.co/wVwIJnvPxU pic.twitter.com/a8KQCLyw3R

— Busted Coverage (@bustedcoverage) June 5, 2019

Fortunately no one was injured. What might have set off Florida Man during a peaceful ocean cruise remains a mystery, even to Florida Man himself.

Domestic Bliss, Florida Edition

A most innovative weapon of choice from everybody's favorite superhero…#FloridaMan pic.twitter.com/GIJNXu09S3

— Charles Cornell (@_charlescornell) May 28, 2019

No cheeseburgers One cheeseburger were was harmed in the production of this Florida Man/Florida Woman epic.

Don’t Try This At Home (Or Anywhere Else)

He died doing what he loved. https://t.co/6rJGJSy3GS

— Alison Flierl (@2degreesofalie) May 31, 2019

Since there’s absolutely nothing anyone could possibly add to this story, please enjoy a brief musical interlude: Sunshine State Scandals, Set to Song.

Victim of Circumstance

Florida man finds large non-native lizard on his front porch.

Florida Man does not always seek out trouble, but it always seems to find him anyway.

Not All Heroes Wear Capes

Florida man saves a turtle from oncoming traffic – Mike Perry really is the Florida Man from all the news stories 🤔😂

— Daanish (@joshismybroname) June 7, 2019

Just a gentle reminder that Florida Man has his soft side, too. Anyone willing to risk his life on a busy street to rescue wildlife can eat all the bath salts he wants, as far as I’m concerned.

Does the Punishment Really Fit the Crime?

You must love "Florida man" pic.twitter.com/CEGW3zWs3S

— David Schutz (@sciencegod126) June 7, 2019

I for one do not, and never have condoned the use of tomato-based condiments on living human beings. Nevertheless, I do wonder if this “assault” really warrants a misdemeanor domestic battery charge. And if you disagree, then please pass the mustard.

And New to Our Florida Man Honors, the Please Get a Life Award

On how small-crime click bait, like Florida Man, and news-in-pursuit-of-pageviews is really just trashy exploitation of lower-income, mentally ill and addicted people among us — and why journalists must do better. https://t.co/gzrLCOLaI2 via @cjr

— Jason Pohl (@pohl_jason) June 3, 2019

“Do better” is internet code for “stop enjoying things I don’t like.” Which is clearly not Florida Man’s style.