An Open Letter to Millennials

"We'll go dancing in the dark, walking through the park and reminiscing." (AP photo)

“We’ll go dancing in the dark, walking through the park and reminiscing.”
(AP photo)

Dear Young’uns,

As I rock in the chair on my front porch, keeping an ear out for noisy dogs and a wary eye on those teenage hooligans with their backwards hats and Air Jordans and whatnot, I began to reminisce about the good ol’ days, back during the last century when most of y’all still wore your short pants, and the cell-you-lur phone your mommy carried was the size a one them mini fridges. The only app it had was called “call people up,” and you had to hit the keys, that’s real buttons mind you, yourself.

Why, back in those days we still thought Pluto was a planet — Pluto!

This might surprise you young folks, but back when the country last voted for a Clinton for President, NBC was a network people actually watched. Cross my heart, it’s true. They had seven of the top ten TV shows, if’n you can believe such a thing, with hits like “Suddenly Susan” and “Naked Truth” and “Single Guy.” They called it “Must-See TV.” There was also a fella called Seinfeld but I doubt you ever heard a him.

1996 was the year we learned how to do the Macarena. And you know what else we did back then? We used to ask people, “Do you have email?” Ask them if they had email! Can you imagine?

Now hold on, I was talking about music, wasn’t I? I forget things more these days. Anyhoo, Hootie and the Blowfish had a new album that year, too, but they were pretty much past their prime. I remember Celine Dion had a bunch a songs on the radio. Can’t say I remember all the names, but she sure sang them all again for us when Missus VodkaPundit and I caught her matinee show in Las Vegas a few years back. Seems like ages now.

You know you can still smoke indoors in Vegas? You can, just like we still could back in the ’90s. Hard to imagine, but I took a flight to Baltimore — it was still a nice town then — and sat in the smoking section. Lit up whenever I liked, and I don’t mean one of those fancy electronic cigarettes like you kids fart around with.

A lighter? Of course I carried a lighter on the plane — why do you ask?

‘Course, I didn’t vote for Clinton — that’s right, Bill Clinton — in 1996. But I did vote for him in 1992. I remember the year because that’s when “Star Trek: The Next Generation” was really getting good, and had that one where the Enterprise kept getting blown up again and again, crashing into this other starship caught up in some dang fool time loop. And we were all shocked at the end when the Captain of the other ship turned out to be Frasier from “Cheers.” You probably never saw “Cheers,” because that was the show Frasier was on before “Frasier” was on. You never heard a that, either?

Well I can tell you that Star Trek show really got good in season four, about the time as the First Gulf War. ‘Course, back then we just called it “The Gulf War.” That was a different President Bush, too. No, not the brother — the dad. The one that came after Reagan, but golly that was so long ago even I was too young to vote for Reagan!

I worked summers to pay for my college, but I knew a guy in my dorm who had a student loan. One year he racked up over two grand worth a debt. Why, kids like you now probably never even seen so much money.

But I’ve gone too far back, haven’t I? I wanted to tell you about 1996, the last time we elected a Clinton to be President. Times were pretty good, pretty good. We’d almost had a recession the year before, but the bump was so small you could barely notice it. The economy was growing, people were happy, people — even young people like yourselves — all had jobs if they wanted one. Bill Clinton didn’t seem like he was gonna mess any of that up, so we gave him another term. Worked out pretty good, too, except for that impeachment thing, but that was over something so tiny you probably never heard of it. You know how long ago it was when they left office? So long, the Clintons were dead broke at the time. Dead broke. Now Bill flies around on some fancy-schmantzy private airplane called the Lolita Express. Must be nice.

Seems like forever ago, but now we’ve got Hillary — that’s Bill’s wife, not the daughter — running for President. Yep, just like she did that last time almost ten years ago. Like I told you, we gave Bill that second term because he promised us more of the same, but now I see Hillary is running against a bunch of stuff Bill did when he was president, so I just don’t know what she’d get up to.

I know I’ve gone on about old music and shows and people and all the rest, but it doesn’t seem that long ago to me, not really. Why, did you know that the last time we elected a Clinton to the White House, they were both only a little bit older than I am now? Yep, true story.

All this talk has made me thirsty, so you’ll excuse me while I pour a Bartles and Jaymes and have a little shuteye.

Y’all have a good election now.

-Your Friendly Neighborhood VodkaPundit