The Problem with Rick Santorum

Rick Santorum is the See ‘n’ Say candidate for President. Point the arrow, pull the lever, and you’ll get two minutes/five minutes/twenty minutes of heartfelt bromide, on whatever topic the arrow points to.

Maybe “bromide” is too strong a word, but it’s the one that comes to mind whenever Santorum is speaking. Because no matter what the topic is, he always sounds sincere, earnest, very well rehearsed, and without any consideration of importance. Santorum might be talking about anything — the deficit, war with Iran, sodomy, birth control, various forms of igneous rock, the history and proper use of the dreidel — it just doesn’t matter. The arrow inside his head lands on a subject, somebody pulls his lever, and off he goes.

A candidate has got to pick a message and stay on-message, or the media will tear him apart with distractions. That’s part malice, part boredom, I suspect — but mostly just reporters looking for good copy. What what’s better copy than a candidate who can be made to spout off on anything at any time? (“Hey, Jake — I bet you ten dollars I can get him to talk for two minutes about proper tire inflation.”)

This isn’t just a matter of a personal dislike for Santorum’s persona, either — although I do have plenty of that. America’s mind is made up on birth control, and we’re for it. America’s mind is made up on sodomy, and we’d like to keep it in the bedroom and away from the podium. That Santorum can get tangled up in losing crusades is a very strong signal that he lacks the focus to win a general election. It signals that he lacks, in a very fundamental way, the ability to prioritize and pick his battles. I wouldn’t let Rick Santorum near the levers of real power, any sooner than I’d give a set of steak knives to a coked-up spider monkey. In short order, we’d wind up with a bloody mess.

You want the general election to become a national referendum on birth control and blow jobs? Then vote for Rick in your primary. I know the Democrats and the Mainstream Media (but I repeat myself) would just love that. But if you insist, I’ve saved up enough “pull the lever” jokes to get us through November.