Speaking for Bloggers Everywhere

If your name sounds kinda like “Jim Lollipop” or “Carol Batty,” then please stop sending your goddam mass emails. Nobody reads them. Nobody. Go away. Shut up. Stop it. There’s enough spam in my junk folder already.

Enough already! Bloggers everywhere see your name and do a little laugh-cringe-pity thing. If you want to speak out, start your own blogs. Maybe even co-blog on the same site in a point/counterpoint style. As an added bonus, if you’re both on one blog, then we could all ignore you at the same time.

“Carol” – you have at least 32 bloggers on your mailing list, and I bet you dollars to dullards that not one has ever used one word you’ve ever written. When I say that, I mean that it makes me sad that we speak the same language and I have to type the same ands, thes, ifs, buts that you use. I’m sure you mean well, but… no, you don’t mean well; You mean to intrude on my workspace. You’re a nuissance, Ms. Batty. Stop bothering us.

“Jim” – you seem to find yourself amusing, but I’m sure John Hinckley did, too. If you don’t cool off a bit, you might just find yourself in an institution, too. Besides, Rush Limbaugh not only does it better, he gets paid for it. We turn on Rush if we want to, but your volunteer efforts are unavoidable. If you ever succeed in amending the Constitution to outlaw flag-burning or faggotry or whatever, I’m going to start a movement to take away your danm email.

I hope I’ve made myself clear, but I’m certain as a picnic rainshower that I’m not the only blogger who feels this way.