Corpses Make Lousy Farmers

(Apologies in advance to South Africa’s Dispatch online)

News From Around the World:

HARARE — Zimbabwe’s President Robert Mugabe, faced with national famine, has declared a “state of disaster” across the country, according to official documents issued here yesterday.

In a public address to the nation, recently re-“elected” President Robert Mugabe stated, “The food shortage remains a mystery. We keep shooting white farmers and replacing them with armed hooligans, yet food production continues to decline.”

Mugabe spoke alongside Harare Community College Teacher’s Assistant Dave Nguya, who backed up the President’s statement with facts and figures. “We ran the numbers through the computers repeatedly, but they keep showing 600,000 people facing critical food shortages, no matter how much more cropland we burn.”

“However, these are imperialist computers from America, and so they probably cannot be trusted,” he quickly added.

Mugabe then drew a pistol and shot Nguya for “state treason, speaking without a license, and nurturing dissent.”

Egypt has offered to supply Zimbabwe with 100,000 tons of excess wheat from the Nile Valley, but only if Mugabe first stops blaming his nation’s problems on whites and political dissidents, and “starts accusing those damn Jews.”